Curtain Call

Hello my Darling Kinksters,

“And now the end is near; and so I face the final curtain. My friends, I’ll say it clear, I’ll state my case of which I”m certain. I’ve lived a life that’s full, I’ve traveled each and every highway; but more, much more than this, I did it my way.”~  Ah Frank Sinatra, he helps me through this…this isn’t exactly fun, or what I ever really wanted, but this needs to happen in order for there to be growth. My Darlings, I’m ending Dancing the Path, this blog. I won’t remove it, but this is going to be my last post.

I want you all to know that this has nothing to do with Our marriage; Master and I are doing very well, We’re still a united and dedicated pair. We’ve been together for over a decade now and while we’ve had our very real moments of upset and heated discussion, We’re best friends. We give each other safe space to be who We both are, Loving each other Unconditionally and never being afraid to express Ourselves. We’re still very involved in Our D/s relationship despite my horrible neglect to this space. I am terribly sorry for that, that my posts have not only lacking, but lacking in my usual flare.

I don’t really have much by way of reasoning for this close, except to say that Life has gotten busy. Our days are filled with Our D/s protocol where We can, otherwise We work, we play, we live. We’re full time parents and employee’s so yes…life very much so gets in the way. Master still gives me color requests for my day to day attire, We keep to Our constant messages when apart and follow a very fluid and always growing Contract of Submission. I have loved having this space and being able to freely express myself to all of you in this very interesting and trying time of Our sexual growth. It has helped and warmed my heart that so many of You have reached out and connected with me here and so thrilled that all of You are still here, still writing, still Living the Good Life.

Like I stated at the beginning of this swan song, I won’t end this blog, I’m just not going to write in it anymore. I have often thought about writing about Master and His Spoon from a fictional stand-point, write about Us in some alternate Sexy universe where We met as Master and sub, not starting out as Husband and Wife. I certainly have an amazing source to pull from and as a favorite author of mine often says, “write what you know.” So who knows, perhaps you’ll pick up the next New York Times bet seller (Ha! Now I’m just being lofty) and it’ll be a racy story about a true D/s couple and all the amazing adventures they have. Anyway my Kinky Loves, please, keep dancing. Never stop moving to the beat of your own song. Thank you for all of Your support, it’s meant the world to me, Us. 

Forever and always,

Dance One Step Closer.

Stripped down choreography 

​The first assignment of the new year for this Spoon was to write out a few scenes/kinks that I would enjoy exploring in the coming months. I’ve had this assignment for over a week and while Master does expect it sometime within the next
few days, I’m well within my deadline…my issue is that I’m having a hard time choosing just a “couple” of scenes/kinks…I have lots, more than lots of ideas that I want to explore; worse than having nothing to write about, having too much. I’ve done more thinking
than I care to comment on about this assignment, as is evident, I’ve finally just gotten to the point that if I don’t write something I’m going to drive myself absolutely mad with potential need, so without any more fluff, let’s get down to this.

I have been looking at my submission from as much of a third-party perspective as I can and I’ve put myself under a bit of a microscope and what I have found is that I need to strip down, go back to absolute basics and rebuild. Somewhere
in all of Our living, my submission, once a very taunt, fit and extremely nubile thing, has become lazy, lethargic and apathetic. In short, I am not pleased with myself and how I have been acting, but also, I have missed how my Master used to handle my attitude,
how He would use Our lifestyle to help shape me and support me, how close We had become. I want to embark on more Behavior Training, on taking Our old contract and amending it to Our current living situation. Our contract was originally written before a lot
of life changing events occurred and looking at it now, there is very little of Our Dynamic that We still practice. I want to change that, bring Us back to where Our Dynamic is in every part of what we do, even if it isn’t outwardly seen or known. I believe
that because We had been living in such a toxic atmosphere with such negative people surrounding Us that Our dynamic suffered and now that We have actively cut the “bad fruit” from the tree, taken stake of our numbers and accepted the losses, now we can grow
again in our beautiful relationship.

I suppose that isn’t exactly what this assignment is about…it is and it isn’t. By revamping our contract and updating it We are exploring more but Master did ask what scenes/kinks I would be interested in, not particularly that I want to
hit the refresh button. I’m sure that He will smile when He sees this little thought hiccup, hesitation of an over-processing mind; and will read on hoping that I did get around to actually writing the assignment He asked for…(should probably get to that…*ahem*)

I want to read through the Kama Sutra with my Master and have in depth discussions/assignments about what We read, how to apply its incredibly in-depth wisdom into our lives/dynamic. I want to try all the poses that We can physically do
and see if they’re really pleasurable/practical. The book is actually quite large and has an amazingly large portion that isn’t erotic, but more like a lovers’ manual on how to pursue and in turn, be pursued. A scene? …I’m pretty sure that We could turn some
of what We’ve learned into a scene, it is “the world’s oldest and most widely read guide to the pleasures and techniques of sex” after all (says so right on the back cover). I would love it if Master assigned me to write my own responses to what we read too;
our very own private book club of two.

I want to take belly/pole dancing classes. I love to dance anyway and these two forms, one I have done (belly) and absolutely adored the feeling of empowerment and sexiness it gave me, and the other I have always been fascinated by the
artistry, the complexity and the sheer athleticism that it takes to be on the pole. I believe that I could really enjoy myself and I know that Master would reap the benefits of nightly dances if He Requested. It would be a chance to be sexy, to be sensual,
to be powerful in my own feminine skin, all things that I know my Master wants for me.

I want to take a Tai-Chi class with my Master. He has extensive martial arts training and sure, I took a self-defense class when I was a kid; I very clearly don’t have anywhere near the technique He does. I want to learn, I want to start
slow though and I think if We take this technique that is a slow, almost dance like form of martial arts, maybe I won’t feel so clumsy when We move up to more advance classes in forms like tai-kwan-do, jujitsu, Kung-fu etc.

I also want Us to take ballroom dance classes as that I believe it strengthen our connection on Leading and Following. In the dance world, Leading and Following are huge roles that must be adhered to strictly or the dancers can hurt themselves
or worse their partner; what an amazing metaphor for Our dynamic! Master and I are both beginners so I believe that as long as we start slow, maybe take some group classes or private lessons (if we get the opportunity) that We’ll grow so close and learn so
much that we can apply to Our 24/7 Lifestyle.

…Okay so belly/pole dancing, taking martial arts classes and ballroom dance lessons aren’t scenes or kinks but I keep trying to find new scenes to dive into and honestly, I want more of what We had. I want more spankings, want to be tied
to my homemade bench more, beat so beautifully pink with all of Our devilishly fun floggers/whips/paddles, crying in perfect pleasure, asking for another, just one more please. I want more of His Orgasm Control, of His edging; getting me there, just to the
point then denying my release, stopping His activities before starting again, torturing me with pleasure until I’m pleading, begging for the moment…then sobbing thank you when He finally allows the moment to wash over Us both. I want His eyes on me while He’s
tying me up in knots, arranging my limbs as the ropes tighten in the most beautiful patterns. I want His direction as He takes pictures of His art work, or better still, to be perfectly still as He sketches me into art. One of my favorite scenes that We ever
experienced was when He tied me to our bed, blindfolded me and then sketched me for about an hour. It was such a powerful experience to be helpless, to be blind but know that He was watching me and that He needed me to be still so that I could help Him bring
His art to life…I want more of that. More of the slow, powerful love making sessions where He gagged me to keep me quiet, but did nothing but provoke my screams and moans. More of the ravenous fucking that leaves the neighbors whispering behind closed doors
because there is no amount of gagging that will muffle Us then….so much more of that. Being curled up in His arms afterwards, sipping on the water He offers, snuggling into the safest place on this planet for me, His arms…I need more of that.

I’m beginning to feel that slowing pull, that feel that tells me I’m getting close to the end of my writing “muse” appointment so I do hope that this is what my Master wanted. I hope that it inspires Him and his spoon to be more, to strip
down the old and revamp the new; explore new worlds all the while fine tuning the incredible thing that we do have. I feel hopeful, so it must already be working. I deeply look forward to what We come up with, the new steps we’ll write into the familiar tango
that we are continuously spinning in; eternally one step closer.

 

We’re all stories in the end…

New Years Eve, how extremely dull of me to post one of these, “Our Year in Review” posts…it is that time of year to reflect though isn’t it? To ponder the year and what went right, what went wrong, where we grew etc. Well, like so many, this year was particularly difficult for Master and I. Without much ado, on to the inner ponderings and gentle nostalgia.

It is with a heavy heart that I take the time to end a chapter on a player in my little saga. Sadly, my new flame and I were not meant to be. It didn’t end particularly well and while I could dive into all the details, it isn’t worth it. She taught me a lot about myself, about who I am and what I am looking for in partners. It hurts, as break ups always do, however I don’t find myself missing her specifically as much as I miss the person she represented in my life, I miss the idea of her. I enjoyed having a girlfriend, of having a female lover…but we never made it past polite kisses and flirty wit; We were two different realities looking for a similar dream that just didn’t mesh.

I believe that my Beloved First has let me go as well. She and I talked a bit through the summer, but with the onset of the political arena, the holidays and everything that she has had to endure this year, I believe that my connection with her wasn’t strong enough to endure. I will take a lot of the blame for this ending though and am extremely grateful for the lessons that she taught me. She reminded me that I have been on this Path, in BDSM, as a bi/pansexual, poly woman all my Life; I never had the words for it until now, but now…now is the age of being true to whoever we are. I love her, I miss her. She was always one of those people that could coax my thoughts out of me, but I understand. Our realities cross from time to time, but our dreams aren’t the same.

My Dearest Heart and I are still in touch. She lives in the town where I met Master (about eight hours away from Our current home) and while Our relationship is far from ordinary, she has been with me for nearly three years. She’s always there, supporting, listening, understanding and offering safe space. I am truly blessed to have such a loyal companion.

Master and I? Oh, my Beloveds, we couldn’t be closer. We’ve had such a difficult year with so many battles, both personal and professional. We faced some serious drama and controversy, were overwhelmed with family matters and driven past the point of exhaustion in our professional fields. I even had a moment where I wanted to self-release (How INSANE is that?!?) but no… Master and I persevered, We fought through, We won. We have held each other tightly, and braved every storm. We are both deeply committed to Our continued growth, never losing sight of Our Lifestyle, of Our steps.

What does 2017 have in store for Master and I? That’s an excellent question. We will do more. More of what? I’m not sure, but this year has taught me that the only one that is in my way, the only person alive that is holding me back from reaching out and achieving my dreams, is me, myself. Master can support me, love me and cherish my servitude all He wants to, but if I don’t step up and take that initiative, if I don’t believe and change then I never will. I will be more. I will find my Girl; I refuse to stop looking. I am so grateful to know that I am truly attracted to women, that I am really pansexual in the sense that I search for the Soul in everyone; it’s amazingly validating.

I will devote more of myself to my servitude and get off my PHONE! I have taken a lot of strides this year to distance myself from my phone and it has done wonders! I went on dates with a few different girls! I played more board games, engaged in more girl scout meetings and was able to attentive to my Master…I had my moments and slipped, but I am still trying, still working towards less attachment on social media.

I truly hope that Master and I will be able to devote more time to Our Dynamic in this up coming year. I want to get more into ropes, more into shibari. I would love for Master to take more pictures of me, to sketch me, paint me if He so choses. I understand that I need to step up my game, pick up the slack that has developed during this chaotic and turbulent year. I deeply look forward to expanding Our kinks and pushing Our limits.

So…with all that reflection and Hope for the new Year that leaves me with the exit speech, the last words of 2016 for Master and Spoon…my now extinguished flame painted a piece for my birthday, a favorite quote from an ancient television show, “We’re all stories in the end…” nothing is more fitting to me. The full quote is “We’re all stories in the end, just make it a good one, eh?”  Those immortal words have become my compass; I am a writer and in the end the only thing I have is a story to tell. It’s up to me to handle the plot as it comes to me, to manage Life and write the best story I can. My darling Tribe, stay safe this year. Stay kind. Be Patient…after all we’re all dancing, One Step Closer.

safety

Baby it’s cold outside…

We’ve been incredibly slow today. I’ve been feeling absolutely horrible, terribly fatigued and cramps that sent me nearly into tears. Master took care of me, as He always does with back rubs, our heating pad, water to drink and pain killers. We watched musicals and a holiday favorite or two, only leaving the couch when absolutely needing to. We haven’t had many days like these this year, it’s been far too chaotic. Master has had to go on so many business trips, I have been incredibly occupied with our child, work, my rekindled relationship with my Beloved First as well as my budding relationship with my new flame; We simply have not had a quiet year that has afforded the luxury of being quiet and lazy. 

Today We were Mr and Mrs, not so much Master and Spoon, however at our core, we are always that. Master served me dinner, though I cleared away our dishes. He tucked me in on the couch and chuckled at campy musical numbers with me, no business was discussed, no family issues, no world troubles or political climate; We were a couple cuddling and staying close enjoying each other. 

There is a lot going on right now in our lives, some of which is positive, some of which it’s going to take some time to find the positive. What this year has taught me though is that Master and I are an extremely devoted pair that Love each other unconditionally. While I have new people in my life, new Love to expand to, there has also been deep lessons about that love and the need to be more patient not only with others, but with myself. There are many things I aspire to do and places I wish our family to explore and through it all I know that Master will be with me, helping me to be the best version of myself and in turn, I do hope that He sees the growth He has made and feels the support I try so deeply to give. 

We are on our way to new adventures with new Loves, and are so very blessed to be dancing on, one step ever closer. 

Happiest of all Holidays to You and Yours. ♡♡

On to better Dreams…

I’m pretty sure it was a month ago today…or close to it that we officially started dating. It’s been the most incredible odd space of time. She reminds me of my Master in so many ways, not in D/s ways, however in the way that just being with her calms my soul, silences all the noise that constantly surrounds my thoughts and allows me to…be on such a comfortable level. She is without a doubt one of the most fascinating souls I’ve ever encountered and the fact that she likes me too? That she wants this sort of deep, binding, soul felt connection? SHUT UP…no really, I do not believe it…it’s so good it’s too good…

Master adores her. We talk about her, He listens, lets me chatter on about Our little adventures and all the adorable synchronicities that we have together and He smiles, His eyes twinkle as He watches me turn every shade of red imaginable. He once said that I was glowing after I showed him the little ring that she bought for me on our second date, that we were two peas in a pod. My smile shattered into a thousand little giggles as I rolled onto our bed, into a little ball of blushing bits, too afraid to voice what I already felt so sweetly, so tenderly in my heart of hearts. I had found a piece of my soul.

It has been a very long spiritual belief of mine that I have lived many life times, had many deep loves and soul felt connections, therefore my soul itself through the process of living, dying and rebirth has splintered itself into shards, embedded into the Universal Love I have felt with these other beings; my version of a Soul Mate. Every time I have met someone very dear to me, important to my soul, there have been a whirlwind of synchronicity, deep dreams and very powerful feelings. I felt it with my Beloved First, felt it with my ex (those that time was very limited) and when I met my Master, everything in my life clicked. My soul awakening truly kick started with the support and Divine Love my Master showed me; always nurturing me to find my own way in my own spiritual time. I felt this when I met my Divine Companion over 4 years ago, she came to me completely organically through other friends online and we have been inseparable ever since, (she however is not D/s whatsoever, so she is not written into this place in my life except in this very personal point) … A month ago, in my favorite coffee shop, she waltzed through the door and I felt the click, the sudden pull and time hasn’t stopped flying by since then. 

She’s a breath of fresh air, yet the most familiar energy. When I’m with her, the silence that stretches on in my mind is so delicious, the idea’s she has and inspires are too adorable. She takes me to shops I’ve always wanted to go to, but never had anyone to go with, someone to wander with, to be slow with, to take my time with. She understands how shy I am, how new this is to me, to Us. We’re both just starting out on this beautiful Path, just starting to sort out what Our feelings are…it’s so beautiful. She’s told me about her life, about who she is and all that it entails…my Poor little broken dancer. She, like my Master suffers some pretty substantial health concerns…and my heart swells…Master finds my worry for her, her strength through her conditions to be so admirable. It makes my heart hurt a bit to think of the opportunity I have to love the people that I have in my life…

I know I’m very romantic about all this, and that our energetic connection is otherworldly, however…oh my gods do I want to explore sexually with her. I’ve only done this sparingly before, and mostly with an intoxicated female partner or only in my teens been sober enough to enjoy it myself; so notably, I’m a bit nervous. I don’t want to ruin this with rushed, fumbled physical needs when I am so enthralled to dive into her absolutely Divine soul. She is so beautiful inside and out; she is a model and does her own photography! I want to do both with her, a shoot, be shot by her, with her…to watch her in her element, watching me, directing me…I love that idea, the feel that it gives me. I have told this to her, let her know this fear, this pressure and she giggles sweetly about how much Our men are eager to know about our conquests when We ourselves know that what we have is so deeper than just the physical. I sat, stunned, nodding listening to her perfect explanation of how she perceived what we were both going through, how right she was that We had so much more and would come to that exquisitely pleasurable point when We finally get there…she always has the balance to my illogical feminine fear.

I am finally beginning to feel what happiness feels like. Master and I are sorting through Our troubles, however the obstacles are becoming fewer and farther between. With the addition of my darling little dance partner We are exploring a new level of intimacy that doesn’t necessarily include sex, but definitely boosts my sexuality and confidence. I am living my dream, I am so blessed, so grateful and thankful to have my Master, my darling tiny dancer, to feel this sort of higher frequency. I am truly intoxicated with the amount of Love one can experience and very much look forward to seeing how we can all dance our Steps, One Step Closer.

us

Morning” by Michelle Lamoreaux

Work in progress…

It’s been almost exactly two months to the day since I’ve written here. The last thing that I wrote about was nearly self-releasing due to my Master and I having little to no time for Our D/s relationship…if You could see me giggling, you’d be relieved I think. A lot has happened between Master and I, in Our relationship as well as outside of it. Our D/s is certainly no longer lacking.

Late August…so since then Our Fall/School schedule has come into effect and with that, Master and I have more time to Ourselves to devote to Us and Our own personal interests. Master has taken me to several dance lessons where We are improving Our Lead/Follow which, in turn, drastically helps Our dynamic. We have been able to have multiple scenes, Master taking His time to patiently hone His skills in my pain/bondage/orgasm control training. He messages me daily, constantly praising my actions and my triumphs, cheering me on during my struggles, and supporting me when I’m upset…Things have been much, much more communicative between Us and We’ve gotten back in the swing of being the divine Master/spoon that We are.

With all that fabulous kink, there has come even deeper changes in Our Dynamic. Master has recognized that with the opening up of Our time, that We should pursue the Other partners in our lives that we have been searching for in the past. We went on a few sites, talked to a few people online, were stood up once. While it has been a bumpy road, Master has kept His optimism up for me every time I’ve had a date or have had someone show interest. He has gone on a few dates Himself, but no one of consequence that caught His attention for longer than small talk in a cramped coffee house. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever find out what it was really like to have a female companion in my life and then…out of the random blue on a tiny private Lesbian/Bi site that I was added to by a crush, I met Her.

As is my Law here on my Blog-land, I don’t name name’s and try to keep my detailed life to a dull roar. I also, for self preservation reasons, heart-saving reasons, don’t write people in unless they are significant to my Path or to my Journey. It’s painful to write them in only for them to be gone before the ink even dries, so I don’t, not unless I am fully swayed to do so. I met Her so randomly, on a Thursday I think, and it was pouring outside. We met at my favorite coffee shop in Town, a tiny hole in the wall that Master’s best friend introduced Us to years ago. I took Her there, honestly, because I was craving one of their signature drinks and I figured that even if I was going to get stood up, at least I was going to have a really good cup of coffee in the mean time. She was late, I was beginning to panic, I messaged Master that I was scared. He messaged me right back to breathe, to calm down, that I would be alright and to give her another couple of minutes, that it was indeed pouring rain outside. He reminded me to ask her what she wanted to drink and to go ahead and order for both of Us. I took His lead, followed His patient urging and was soon watching this tiny vision of Light walk through the door. She was exactly I thought she would be, real. We talked that first day for two and a half hours. She walked me to my car, I had to go, I had to meet Master for a business appointment and I…didn’t want to go. I was late, something I was scolded lightly for with a knowing look and light swat on the bum; but standing in the rain with her at my car…I could have talked to her all afternoon.

That night, telling Master about Her and how exquisite our conversation was, He smiled, ear to ear. He kissed me so hard and held me so tightly, whispering into my curls how proud He was of me for going out, for staying when I was so scared, for meeting Her and how truly happy He was that I had found such a connection. I slept tucked into His arms, deeply, at peace with how far we’d come.

The next morning dawned, She messaged me. She wanted to spend time with me. I didn’t have plans and at Master’s gleeful encouragement, agreed to meet Her for a shopping date at a local antique mall. We talked, walked, browsed all afternoon. Even now, after living it, thinking on it and piecing it back together, I can’t quite remember everything that we talked about because I was in such a daze, such a blissfully happy, overwhelmed daze. She bought me a book. An old book. If you don’t understand the weight of this gesture, I’ll try to put into perspective; books are my TV, my movies, my travels, my travelling companions, my inner thoughts and deepest friends, I really enjoy reading and REALLY like old books. I’m a huge fan of the classics, particularly around the turn of the century publishing’s…within the first twenty minutes of our adventure She picks up a beaten, worn, loved copy of William Wordsmith’s Poetry. It’s not in great shape, pages falling out in places where the binding had broken down in the front, but the spine was still strong… aside from the fact that it was old and a book, being poetry I could feel my locks melting, the walls making that dangerous quivering look. She offered and refused no for an answer, the book was mine. (Yes, totally held back tears, hugging her and or crying. I thought about it though, LOTS) The rest of the day was spent wandering with her through little time capsules of amazing ancient trinkets, talking about anything from our pasts to our current loves/lives and so much in between. What’s even more amazing, looking at it in hindsight, I am so enthralled that there is so much more to know about Her, that we’ve just started this journey. At the end of the evening I was beginning to feel the drain, of being so over exposed and so exhilarated for so long, however…even with the darkened skies and rain pouring down, I still didn’t want to leave Her…

Master waited at home for me, so I gave her a warm hug and darted off to my car with my treasured book. The drive to home was oddly very quick, even with the pelting precipitation pounding on my windshield. Master met me at the door with dinner and a beer. I had been messaging Him off and on all day, however, when we finally got a moment alone, I recanted my day of relaxing bliss, soothing conversation, massive overload of antiques and showed Him the book She bought me. He smiled huge, gently turning the book around in His hands, noting on the damage, but upon seeing that someone had written their name beautifully in old, long forgotten cursive, He kissed my forehead, knowing my weakness for the personal touches on old books that would otherwise render them worthless in collectors eyes. I have always loved books with notes in them, writing in them, names, little snippets of thoughts from their previous owners. I have a few copies of old manuscript’s/plays that have actors note’s in the footnotes; I adore that. Master knows this quirk about me and delights in finding obscure copies of novels that indulge my fancy, so to see this copy with all these little details, He knew my heart, knew why I was so quite at times, gazing off with a lost sort of look.

I’ve never been here before, on the cusp of this with another woman. I have tried, I have not found anyone that I really thought could keep up, or that felt the same way I did or that didn’t need alcohol to be intimate with me. I have had my heart broken by being “friend zoned” (except when she was drunk, back before Master and I started Our D/s (or lived in this current zip code for that matter) but other than that and a scattering of dates, I really was beginning to wonder if I would ever find that other woman. I’m terrified and…that’s a good thing. I believe that you have to be scared in order to know what you’re doing, diving deeper into yourself, your desires and needs with another person, I think that fear helps propel you to something greater. Even if it falls apart at some point, there will be lessons, there are lessons that have already been made…it’s just a matter of taking that leap and letting go, not being so afraid of that very powerful flow. It’s still very new in our journey together, She and I, so I’m twitter patted, smitten and all those warm fuzzy things that come with infatuation and budding romance. I’m not sure what’s coming next and that gives me butterflies, but in a very welcome way.

Through all of this very interesting and scary transition, I have been so blessed to have my Master constantly helping me cope with being so silly and over obsessive. He is so happy that I have found Her, that we have such a connection, that I’m so blissfully happy. I have to admit, I’m overwhelmed, just a bit. As with any new shift, this is a lot to take in and I’m having to remind myself to breathe. Master was a darling and made writing tonight a Top Priority for His precious spoon. I’m fighting tears and to keep my thoughts together, all good things, I’m just feeling incredibly blessed and am very excited that Master will be home in moments to have tea.  No matter the partners, no matter the steps, We always find Our way and dance One Step Closer.

artful

Silencing Her demons

Oh my god…I can’t even begin to express the bittersweet joy that it is to return to writing. I have been plagued, no, haunted by my mental illness for over two weeks. I have barely been able to summon the energy to get out of bed, let alone handle my usual adult life. My mind has eaten my sanity alive; after nearly a season of this madness, I broke. I was inches away from self-releasing my Darlings. For those that are in the Lifestyle, this is one of the most heady, difficult decisions to ever meet, one of the most devastating challenges that I have ever been faced with. I wrote my Master after about a week of heavy, heavy thought and deep discussion about where we’ve been and where we’re going, wrote but did not send:

“I guess the reason why I’m having such trouble is because I see the end. We haven’t had a scene in months (while granted it’s been an unusually horrid summer), you don’t give me orders and haven’t in quite some time. After the summer died down, I was hopeful, however…I realized very quickly that you were more dedicated about moving forward than I was because all I wanted was my Master back. I don’t think that is going to happen. I believe that the chaos surrounding Us and Our constantly overworked schedule/responsibilities have caused Us to allow Distance/silence and perhaps You don’t want to be my Master. You are seriously overworked and always being asked to come in/ cover for people; You don’t need me to be constantly needy, wanting all of your undivided attention. We’ve explored my kink and you want something less stressful, something calm and quiet; I need to sort myself out while we adjust to all of this normalcy. I do want to continue to be your devoted wife, I will never want to leave you; We’ll sort through it as we always do, and maybe I’m entirely wrong…but these are just things I’m seeing from my perspective.”

 I was terrified when He asked me what was wrong; I had planned on sending him the message after I left for work, but He…knew I was hurting and asked me if I was alright. I can’t lie to my Master, even when my submission is at an all-time low, lying to Him just, isn’t in my genetic make-up…I shook my head that I wasn’t okay, that things were not as they should be. He asked me to elaborate so I sent Him the message that I had written; all that I was feeling, all that I was experiencing in tearful little gasps as He read it all. He was wide eyed, He didn’t know how to respond; He replied, but very briefly, confusing me, so I sent one more written reply while I was sitting in the parking lot before striding into work,

 Spoon, “After all Our years please understand that I communicate in words, written and verbal. PLEASE DON’T TAKE THIS AS A PERSONAL SLAM TO YOU. I’m just having a hard time adjusting and if you still want to be my Master then please understand that I’m just trying to find my balance….and need help.”

 Before I knew it, I had moments to get to work…and I left my car feeling more unsure, more pained than I have ever felt. I went through my usual tasks in a numbed state of being, merely on auto-pilot. I checked my phone…Oh…Master…

 Master: “My wonderful spoon, I did not realize that the lack of this had been tearing you and us apart so much. You said that it had been months since our last scene and that I never give you orders anymore. I can’t deny you are correct, as that I believe there were many contributing factors to this; our personal drama, professional lives, the kids and all the little in between’s; these obviously have contributed towards Our circumstances, but I do understand that I still am your Master and have responsibilities. Not only because I know of your need to serve and want to make you happy, also though because I really do love being your Sir. I really wanted to stoke that flame between Us again. I honestly just did not see how much I had been putting off from your tending as My devoted sub. I wish I had noticed it before We got to this point or that you would have spoken up as well, but that is all in the past now and We can’t go back. All we can do is put our best foot forward and keep trekking. You will be receiving new full orders soon, My sexxxy little spoon. I’ll need a little time to write up a good structure for Our ever changing situation. But it will be much easier now with the knowledge/experience I and We have to draw upon. I will stay an optimist as We continue down Our new path, “One Step Closer”. I love you spoon and I will see you soon. Xoxox”

 I cried, just a little, just a few tears as I covered my mouth, reading in the small work bathroom. My Dominant, my Master understood, He heard the message that I was so desperately trying to express. I wept for a small time at the lack of needing to hold it all in, that I could, in that tiny space, have a moment just to myself to feel all that I was feeling. I hugged my phone, little communication device that it was, allowing Master and I to tell each other all that we couldn’t verbalize. I wept for the words that I didn’t have, for the ones that I did have but couldn’t write, for the ones that I could emote, for my Master, for myself, for Us. I typed quickly a short response, thanking Him for hearing me, for understanding, for reminding His spoon once again of His eternal arms holding  her tightly in His protection. He wrote that He was so sorry, that He truly didn’t understand or see how much this was hurting me, how much it devastated our relationship. I went back to my station with a small smile, a bit more relieved than I had felt in weeks.

In that time frame at work, I had two admiring comments on my Tiffany & Co necklace by two different customers; this isn’t something unusual for me as I do have a public occupation, however…I smiled a bit more, blushed even at the mention of my collar. Sure, about oh…half a million (more?) other women could own the same Tiffany’s necklace, I’ve commented on a number of T & Co pieces that have caught my attention, and I’m sure even more than that own the bracelet’s that He’s collected for me, but mine are Ours and they serve such a higher purpose. Others… most people do understand the symbolism of wearing something so simple but they consider it a ring. It’s a necklace right? No. It isn’t. Not for me. Not for Him. For Us, even if that particular necklace isn’t around my neck; it’s a non-verbal/symbolic representation of who We are, of who We want to be and where We want to go.

It’s more than a bit daunting to be in an environment, to be in a state where I cannot express myself and lately, due to my extreme social anxiety and overwhelmed emotional state, I have not been able to express myself as I should, as I need. My Master has known that this has affected me, but I don’t believe even He understood to what degree. I clung to my silver, my Collar, symbol of my soul, of who I was truly on the deepest level; clung like a drowning fish. A small bit of me died when I expressed the want to self-release, I never thought I would be to a point that I would want to walk away, to leave Our D/s, take off my collar, to let things…settle into a more vanilla relationship for the health of Our Union. I feel a bit guilty for allowing my state to get to this point, however Master has asked that I be patient with myself that I allow myself to feel what I feel and to express it freely to Him, that He will always strive to understand and to come to a peaceable solution, that He understands my very real needs. I need to trust in Him, in His love for me and my upkeep.

I’m in awe of Him, of the level that He has reached to handle me. I never truly thought someone would ever understand all of me, how I work, how I think, emote and express myself; He does. He loves me to such a degree that it makes me weep, He loves me more than I love myself. I would give up, call it quits, throw in the towel and walk away silently…He on the other hand, has more faith in Us, more faith in Our union than I ever thought imaginable and it is that reason that I love Him to the degree that I do, that I continue to strive to be His Spoon.

He created new Affirmations for me, written out beautifully, printed and laying on my pillow when I came home. I’ve had a daily affirmation before, when We first started Our D/s and it was kind, sweet, helpful to know that my Dominant was watching over me every moment of the day. This affirmation, this quiet paragraph to read to myself daily, this one was different in the factor that He did not require me to read it out loud in the mirror every morning, more over that I read over it every day, alone, to give myself a moment just for me; something my Master fully recognized that I needed and deeply encourages for my healing.

I think, honestly what has kept me from going absolutely mad this season is the constant sanity and calm of my Master. Granted, We had our issues, had some rather severe obstacles that were daunting to say the least to overcome, but even when I, in all my infinite desire to run, would laid down my armor, would quit, My Master held true. He reminds me that I am not only worthy of Him, but worthy of even more that He desires to experience with me; that giving up is never, ever an option. Looking back on the months now, I am amazed that He has been so much stronger than I have, has held me back so many times from lashing out irrationally, from ruining those I shouldn’t ever waste my time on, from understanding myself and my expanding sexuality, to embracing all that I am as a beautiful soul stuck in human skin, coping with all that it is to feel too much, too often…my Master has shown me that Earth, that this planet isn’t such a horrid place to be. It’s taken far too many years and attempts to end it all to come to this point, but here I am, with an actual purpose to continue; Him.

I’m not sure how all this will turn out, how Our life will end up, how Our story will wind about, but I can say that there isn’t another soul on this planet that I would ever want to dance this path with. My Master, always I strive to be One Step Closer.

naked