Finding Solace in Seclusion

Day 19 of Quarantine

              Today, waking up at nearly 11 am, I grumbled at yet another day of staying home. I check my phone to find an email from the unemployment office, a text from my Beloved and various messages from social media. This has become my normal. Getting up, pulling my snuggly pajama bottoms on accompanied by a favorite band/graphic t-shirt, and I’m set to face yet another day in quarantine. I let our beloved doggo out into the back yard, taking a deep breath of the cool, damp air before closing the door and getting the water on for tea, feeding said doggo and checking all my messages. I sit on the couch, going over social media posts, sipping my tea, watching the clouds roll in. It’s nearly noon when the kid finally emerges from her room. We’ve got this really easy attitude towards one another, so we just sort of, nod in each other’s direction, share cat videos, chat about chores and then get to it. Dishes, laundry, Lysol to all the frequently touched surfaces, and vacuuming. We watch Rupaul’s Drag Race. We laugh over Chef Boyardee. We muddle through.

              Master comes home! It’s a bit bittersweet anymore. He doesn’t get to hug either of us. He goes straight to the laundry space, strips down to his underwear, dropping his clothes in the washer, starting it with extra soup/hot water and heads to the shower. I have gotten to the point that I make sure the bathroom has been sanitized, a towel ready, everything that he needs to detox from his day on the front lines. We don’t talk to each other much during the first hour or so that He’s home. I admit that it really isn’t, but sort of is, the best hour of my day. I’m so happy that he’s home, but can’t touch him, have to Lysol everything that he’s touched while he’s in the shower and then wait for him to come out to us. I understand that all of this is so stressful for Him, it breaks my heart. By the time he comes out of our bedroom for interaction, it’s usually been at least an hour of isolation and cleansing. We’re privileged in that we have a shower for him that is immediately available, that we do the chores we do to ensure an at least somewhat clean space to exist.

              Today Master brought down my sewing machine from the attic. I surprised myself that I could fill a bobbin from the thread I had available, and was able to thread the needle! I’ve never worked with this machine before so with it all set up, I feel a real sense of accomplishment and all ready to make masks for my Beloved. We have lots of fabric from previous quilting projects and I’ve watched several different styles/options video tutorials for masks and feel confident that I can make a couple of these for our family. I’m stoked and ready to dive in…tomorrow.

              I just caught Master hovering over my shoulder, watching me write…aww!!! He’ so sweet!!! He’s told me that He’s so excited for our new start and so in love with my efforts, which of course warms my hear to no end. I’m finding it way easier to look at being stuck at home and doing all things domestic, understanding that I’m serving my Sir, that I’m protecting Him and our space, that I’m doing exactly as I’m told not just by my Beloved; I’m serving on such a deeper level. I understand that many individuals think that this is just a hoax, just something that’s been drummed up by whatever government, but what if this is a force that is meant to put us, as humans in our place? What if Mother Nature is putting us all under lock down and reminding us what a Dominatrix she is?? It’s an interesting concept to consider for sure.

              I have definitely found myself incredibly grateful for this time. I know that it isn’t popular opinion, but I really think that Master and I needed this time of isolation to find Our stride again, to sort out what was really important, what was really necessary in our lives. I am loving, absolutely loving coming back as Spoon and enticing Master with my natural submissive nature. I know that it goes without saying, (but I’ll say it anyway) no matter who, anyone can be a sub or a Dom, however I am so grateful for the time that we have taken to adjust from being one set of Dom/ Sub to another; that He doesn’t just see me as feminine, He see’s me purely as a sub. It’s absolutely invigorating.

Day 20

              It’s Saturday so Master doesn’t have to go to work. We woke up slow, taking our time with coffee and conversation before launching into our chores. Master took on the kitchen and completely disinfected it while I put together a list of what we needed from the dreaded store. When Master can stay home, I really prefer that He does, so on the weekends, I go out for any necessities. Today was the first day I wore a facemask. I was so claustrophobic wearing it, my glasses kept fogging and I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. I recognized the panic attack that was imminent if I didn’t slow down my thoughts. I had my list from Sir, I knew what I needed, I asked for help when I found myself walking in circles. The staff were incredibly helpful, kind and informative. I want to say that there were at least 1 in 3 people wearing masks and or gloves. Everyone is trying to walk around each other like we’re in huge 6 ft space bubbles. I calm my nerves, pick up what we need and rush home. The kitchen is all clean, laundry is going, our kiddo is busting ass on Wii and Master is taking a shower. I immediately take my mask off, gasping for air, washing my hands, letting the stress of going out leave my system. I was gone for less than an hour. Being home feels like being on another planet, somewhere safe.

              As the afternoon progressed, I sunk into making Master a washable cloth face mask. I had to keep re-watching the video tutorial, pausing, re-starting and definitely got frustrated in the process. My sewing skills are basic at best, however I ended up making a pretty decent mask that Master even modeled and was quite grateful for. After getting this one done, I feel more confident about my skills and know how I can make others with less hic-ups. I have lots more fabric to work with, so I will make sure to have at least two more done by the time Master goes back to work on Monday.              

We’re once again prepping for dinner. I’m really glad that Master could stay home all day today, even with the anxiety that it put me through. I am always reminded that He has to work in that kind of environment all week long and I was only out for a fraction of that time. I’m really proud of myself for making him the mask, because there were a couple moments that I was willing to give up, but then I just…I couldn’t. I had to make this for Him, even if it’s not as good as a mass marketed medical one (that everywhere is completely out of) it’s something. It’s made with love and every stitch was done with devotion. He kissed me on the forehead, happy that I had put my best effort forward and was trying to help anyway that I can during this pandemic. Especially during this defining moment in history, we are dancing one step closer

Curtain Call

Hello my Darling Kinksters,

“And now the end is near; and so I face the final curtain. My friends, I’ll say it clear, I’ll state my case of which I”m certain. I’ve lived a life that’s full, I’ve traveled each and every highway; but more, much more than this, I did it my way.”~  Ah Frank Sinatra, he helps me through this…this isn’t exactly fun, or what I ever really wanted, but this needs to happen in order for there to be growth. My Darlings, I’m ending Dancing the Path, this blog. I won’t remove it, but this is going to be my last post.

I want you all to know that this has nothing to do with Our marriage; Master and I are doing very well, We’re still a united and dedicated pair. We’ve been together for over a decade now and while we’ve had our very real moments of upset and heated discussion, We’re best friends. We give each other safe space to be who We both are, Loving each other Unconditionally and never being afraid to express Ourselves. We’re still very involved in Our D/s relationship despite my horrible neglect to this space. I am terribly sorry for that, that my posts have not only lacking, but lacking in my usual flare.

I don’t really have much by way of reasoning for this close, except to say that Life has gotten busy. Our days are filled with Our D/s protocol where We can, otherwise We work, we play, we live. We’re full time parents and employee’s so yes…life very much so gets in the way. Master still gives me color requests for my day to day attire, We keep to Our constant messages when apart and follow a very fluid and always growing Contract of Submission. I have loved having this space and being able to freely express myself to all of you in this very interesting and trying time of Our sexual growth. It has helped and warmed my heart that so many of You have reached out and connected with me here and so thrilled that all of You are still here, still writing, still Living the Good Life.

Like I stated at the beginning of this swan song, I won’t end this blog, I’m just not going to write in it anymore. I have often thought about writing about Master and His Spoon from a fictional stand-point, write about Us in some alternate Sexy universe where We met as Master and sub, not starting out as Husband and Wife. I certainly have an amazing source to pull from and as a favorite author of mine often says, “write what you know.” So who knows, perhaps you’ll pick up the next New York Times bet seller (Ha! Now I’m just being lofty) and it’ll be a racy story about a true D/s couple and all the amazing adventures they have. Anyway my Kinky Loves, please, keep dancing. Never stop moving to the beat of your own song. Thank you for all of Your support, it’s meant the world to me, Us. 

Forever and always,

Dance One Step Closer.

Stripped down choreography 

​The first assignment of the new year for this Spoon was to write out a few scenes/kinks that I would enjoy exploring in the coming months. I’ve had this assignment for over a week and while Master does expect it sometime within the next
few days, I’m well within my deadline…my issue is that I’m having a hard time choosing just a “couple” of scenes/kinks…I have lots, more than lots of ideas that I want to explore; worse than having nothing to write about, having too much. I’ve done more thinking
than I care to comment on about this assignment, as is evident, I’ve finally just gotten to the point that if I don’t write something I’m going to drive myself absolutely mad with potential need, so without any more fluff, let’s get down to this.

I have been looking at my submission from as much of a third-party perspective as I can and I’ve put myself under a bit of a microscope and what I have found is that I need to strip down, go back to absolute basics and rebuild. Somewhere
in all of Our living, my submission, once a very taunt, fit and extremely nubile thing, has become lazy, lethargic and apathetic. In short, I am not pleased with myself and how I have been acting, but also, I have missed how my Master used to handle my attitude,
how He would use Our lifestyle to help shape me and support me, how close We had become. I want to embark on more Behavior Training, on taking Our old contract and amending it to Our current living situation. Our contract was originally written before a lot
of life changing events occurred and looking at it now, there is very little of Our Dynamic that We still practice. I want to change that, bring Us back to where Our Dynamic is in every part of what we do, even if it isn’t outwardly seen or known. I believe
that because We had been living in such a toxic atmosphere with such negative people surrounding Us that Our dynamic suffered and now that We have actively cut the “bad fruit” from the tree, taken stake of our numbers and accepted the losses, now we can grow
again in our beautiful relationship.

I suppose that isn’t exactly what this assignment is about…it is and it isn’t. By revamping our contract and updating it We are exploring more but Master did ask what scenes/kinks I would be interested in, not particularly that I want to
hit the refresh button. I’m sure that He will smile when He sees this little thought hiccup, hesitation of an over-processing mind; and will read on hoping that I did get around to actually writing the assignment He asked for…(should probably get to that…*ahem*)

I want to read through the Kama Sutra with my Master and have in depth discussions/assignments about what We read, how to apply its incredibly in-depth wisdom into our lives/dynamic. I want to try all the poses that We can physically do
and see if they’re really pleasurable/practical. The book is actually quite large and has an amazingly large portion that isn’t erotic, but more like a lovers’ manual on how to pursue and in turn, be pursued. A scene? …I’m pretty sure that We could turn some
of what We’ve learned into a scene, it is “the world’s oldest and most widely read guide to the pleasures and techniques of sex” after all (says so right on the back cover). I would love it if Master assigned me to write my own responses to what we read too;
our very own private book club of two.

I want to take belly/pole dancing classes. I love to dance anyway and these two forms, one I have done (belly) and absolutely adored the feeling of empowerment and sexiness it gave me, and the other I have always been fascinated by the
artistry, the complexity and the sheer athleticism that it takes to be on the pole. I believe that I could really enjoy myself and I know that Master would reap the benefits of nightly dances if He Requested. It would be a chance to be sexy, to be sensual,
to be powerful in my own feminine skin, all things that I know my Master wants for me.

I want to take a Tai-Chi class with my Master. He has extensive martial arts training and sure, I took a self-defense class when I was a kid; I very clearly don’t have anywhere near the technique He does. I want to learn, I want to start
slow though and I think if We take this technique that is a slow, almost dance like form of martial arts, maybe I won’t feel so clumsy when We move up to more advance classes in forms like tai-kwan-do, jujitsu, Kung-fu etc.

I also want Us to take ballroom dance classes as that I believe it strengthen our connection on Leading and Following. In the dance world, Leading and Following are huge roles that must be adhered to strictly or the dancers can hurt themselves
or worse their partner; what an amazing metaphor for Our dynamic! Master and I are both beginners so I believe that as long as we start slow, maybe take some group classes or private lessons (if we get the opportunity) that We’ll grow so close and learn so
much that we can apply to Our 24/7 Lifestyle.

…Okay so belly/pole dancing, taking martial arts classes and ballroom dance lessons aren’t scenes or kinks but I keep trying to find new scenes to dive into and honestly, I want more of what We had. I want more spankings, want to be tied
to my homemade bench more, beat so beautifully pink with all of Our devilishly fun floggers/whips/paddles, crying in perfect pleasure, asking for another, just one more please. I want more of His Orgasm Control, of His edging; getting me there, just to the
point then denying my release, stopping His activities before starting again, torturing me with pleasure until I’m pleading, begging for the moment…then sobbing thank you when He finally allows the moment to wash over Us both. I want His eyes on me while He’s
tying me up in knots, arranging my limbs as the ropes tighten in the most beautiful patterns. I want His direction as He takes pictures of His art work, or better still, to be perfectly still as He sketches me into art. One of my favorite scenes that We ever
experienced was when He tied me to our bed, blindfolded me and then sketched me for about an hour. It was such a powerful experience to be helpless, to be blind but know that He was watching me and that He needed me to be still so that I could help Him bring
His art to life…I want more of that. More of the slow, powerful love making sessions where He gagged me to keep me quiet, but did nothing but provoke my screams and moans. More of the ravenous fucking that leaves the neighbors whispering behind closed doors
because there is no amount of gagging that will muffle Us then….so much more of that. Being curled up in His arms afterwards, sipping on the water He offers, snuggling into the safest place on this planet for me, His arms…I need more of that.

I’m beginning to feel that slowing pull, that feel that tells me I’m getting close to the end of my writing “muse” appointment so I do hope that this is what my Master wanted. I hope that it inspires Him and his spoon to be more, to strip
down the old and revamp the new; explore new worlds all the while fine tuning the incredible thing that we do have. I feel hopeful, so it must already be working. I deeply look forward to what We come up with, the new steps we’ll write into the familiar tango
that we are continuously spinning in; eternally one step closer.

 

We’re all stories in the end…

New Years Eve, how extremely dull of me to post one of these, “Our Year in Review” posts…it is that time of year to reflect though isn’t it? To ponder the year and what went right, what went wrong, where we grew etc. Well, like so many, this year was particularly difficult for Master and I. Without much ado, on to the inner ponderings and gentle nostalgia.

It is with a heavy heart that I take the time to end a chapter on a player in my little saga. Sadly, my new flame and I were not meant to be. It didn’t end particularly well and while I could dive into all the details, it isn’t worth it. She taught me a lot about myself, about who I am and what I am looking for in partners. It hurts, as break ups always do, however I don’t find myself missing her specifically as much as I miss the person she represented in my life, I miss the idea of her. I enjoyed having a girlfriend, of having a female lover…but we never made it past polite kisses and flirty wit; We were two different realities looking for a similar dream that just didn’t mesh.

I believe that my Beloved First has let me go as well. She and I talked a bit through the summer, but with the onset of the political arena, the holidays and everything that she has had to endure this year, I believe that my connection with her wasn’t strong enough to endure. I will take a lot of the blame for this ending though and am extremely grateful for the lessons that she taught me. She reminded me that I have been on this Path, in BDSM, as a bi/pansexual, poly woman all my Life; I never had the words for it until now, but now…now is the age of being true to whoever we are. I love her, I miss her. She was always one of those people that could coax my thoughts out of me, but I understand. Our realities cross from time to time, but our dreams aren’t the same.

My Dearest Heart and I are still in touch. She lives in the town where I met Master (about eight hours away from Our current home) and while Our relationship is far from ordinary, she has been with me for nearly three years. She’s always there, supporting, listening, understanding and offering safe space. I am truly blessed to have such a loyal companion.

Master and I? Oh, my Beloveds, we couldn’t be closer. We’ve had such a difficult year with so many battles, both personal and professional. We faced some serious drama and controversy, were overwhelmed with family matters and driven past the point of exhaustion in our professional fields. I even had a moment where I wanted to self-release (How INSANE is that?!?) but no… Master and I persevered, We fought through, We won. We have held each other tightly, and braved every storm. We are both deeply committed to Our continued growth, never losing sight of Our Lifestyle, of Our steps.

What does 2017 have in store for Master and I? That’s an excellent question. We will do more. More of what? I’m not sure, but this year has taught me that the only one that is in my way, the only person alive that is holding me back from reaching out and achieving my dreams, is me, myself. Master can support me, love me and cherish my servitude all He wants to, but if I don’t step up and take that initiative, if I don’t believe and change then I never will. I will be more. I will find my Girl; I refuse to stop looking. I am so grateful to know that I am truly attracted to women, that I am really pansexual in the sense that I search for the Soul in everyone; it’s amazingly validating.

I will devote more of myself to my servitude and get off my PHONE! I have taken a lot of strides this year to distance myself from my phone and it has done wonders! I went on dates with a few different girls! I played more board games, engaged in more girl scout meetings and was able to attentive to my Master…I had my moments and slipped, but I am still trying, still working towards less attachment on social media.

I truly hope that Master and I will be able to devote more time to Our Dynamic in this up coming year. I want to get more into ropes, more into shibari. I would love for Master to take more pictures of me, to sketch me, paint me if He so choses. I understand that I need to step up my game, pick up the slack that has developed during this chaotic and turbulent year. I deeply look forward to expanding Our kinks and pushing Our limits.

So…with all that reflection and Hope for the new Year that leaves me with the exit speech, the last words of 2016 for Master and Spoon…my now extinguished flame painted a piece for my birthday, a favorite quote from an ancient television show, “We’re all stories in the end…” nothing is more fitting to me. The full quote is “We’re all stories in the end, just make it a good one, eh?”  Those immortal words have become my compass; I am a writer and in the end the only thing I have is a story to tell. It’s up to me to handle the plot as it comes to me, to manage Life and write the best story I can. My darling Tribe, stay safe this year. Stay kind. Be Patient…after all we’re all dancing, One Step Closer.

safety

Baby it’s cold outside…

We’ve been incredibly slow today. I’ve been feeling absolutely horrible, terribly fatigued and cramps that sent me nearly into tears. Master took care of me, as He always does with back rubs, our heating pad, water to drink and pain killers. We watched musicals and a holiday favorite or two, only leaving the couch when absolutely needing to. We haven’t had many days like these this year, it’s been far too chaotic. Master has had to go on so many business trips, I have been incredibly occupied with our child, work, my rekindled relationship with my Beloved First as well as my budding relationship with my new flame; We simply have not had a quiet year that has afforded the luxury of being quiet and lazy. 

Today We were Mr and Mrs, not so much Master and Spoon, however at our core, we are always that. Master served me dinner, though I cleared away our dishes. He tucked me in on the couch and chuckled at campy musical numbers with me, no business was discussed, no family issues, no world troubles or political climate; We were a couple cuddling and staying close enjoying each other. 

There is a lot going on right now in our lives, some of which is positive, some of which it’s going to take some time to find the positive. What this year has taught me though is that Master and I are an extremely devoted pair that Love each other unconditionally. While I have new people in my life, new Love to expand to, there has also been deep lessons about that love and the need to be more patient not only with others, but with myself. There are many things I aspire to do and places I wish our family to explore and through it all I know that Master will be with me, helping me to be the best version of myself and in turn, I do hope that He sees the growth He has made and feels the support I try so deeply to give. 

We are on our way to new adventures with new Loves, and are so very blessed to be dancing on, one step ever closer. 

Happiest of all Holidays to You and Yours. ♡♡

On to better Dreams…

I’m pretty sure it was a month ago today…or close to it that we officially started dating. It’s been the most incredible odd space of time. She reminds me of my Master in so many ways, not in D/s ways, however in the way that just being with her calms my soul, silences all the noise that constantly surrounds my thoughts and allows me to…be on such a comfortable level. She is without a doubt one of the most fascinating souls I’ve ever encountered and the fact that she likes me too? That she wants this sort of deep, binding, soul felt connection? SHUT UP…no really, I do not believe it…it’s so good it’s too good…

Master adores her. We talk about her, He listens, lets me chatter on about Our little adventures and all the adorable synchronicities that we have together and He smiles, His eyes twinkle as He watches me turn every shade of red imaginable. He once said that I was glowing after I showed him the little ring that she bought for me on our second date, that we were two peas in a pod. My smile shattered into a thousand little giggles as I rolled onto our bed, into a little ball of blushing bits, too afraid to voice what I already felt so sweetly, so tenderly in my heart of hearts. I had found a piece of my soul.

It has been a very long spiritual belief of mine that I have lived many life times, had many deep loves and soul felt connections, therefore my soul itself through the process of living, dying and rebirth has splintered itself into shards, embedded into the Universal Love I have felt with these other beings; my version of a Soul Mate. Every time I have met someone very dear to me, important to my soul, there have been a whirlwind of synchronicity, deep dreams and very powerful feelings. I felt it with my Beloved First, felt it with my ex (those that time was very limited) and when I met my Master, everything in my life clicked. My soul awakening truly kick started with the support and Divine Love my Master showed me; always nurturing me to find my own way in my own spiritual time. I felt this when I met my Divine Companion over 4 years ago, she came to me completely organically through other friends online and we have been inseparable ever since, (she however is not D/s whatsoever, so she is not written into this place in my life except in this very personal point) … A month ago, in my favorite coffee shop, she waltzed through the door and I felt the click, the sudden pull and time hasn’t stopped flying by since then. 

She’s a breath of fresh air, yet the most familiar energy. When I’m with her, the silence that stretches on in my mind is so delicious, the idea’s she has and inspires are too adorable. She takes me to shops I’ve always wanted to go to, but never had anyone to go with, someone to wander with, to be slow with, to take my time with. She understands how shy I am, how new this is to me, to Us. We’re both just starting out on this beautiful Path, just starting to sort out what Our feelings are…it’s so beautiful. She’s told me about her life, about who she is and all that it entails…my Poor little broken dancer. She, like my Master suffers some pretty substantial health concerns…and my heart swells…Master finds my worry for her, her strength through her conditions to be so admirable. It makes my heart hurt a bit to think of the opportunity I have to love the people that I have in my life…

I know I’m very romantic about all this, and that our energetic connection is otherworldly, however…oh my gods do I want to explore sexually with her. I’ve only done this sparingly before, and mostly with an intoxicated female partner or only in my teens been sober enough to enjoy it myself; so notably, I’m a bit nervous. I don’t want to ruin this with rushed, fumbled physical needs when I am so enthralled to dive into her absolutely Divine soul. She is so beautiful inside and out; she is a model and does her own photography! I want to do both with her, a shoot, be shot by her, with her…to watch her in her element, watching me, directing me…I love that idea, the feel that it gives me. I have told this to her, let her know this fear, this pressure and she giggles sweetly about how much Our men are eager to know about our conquests when We ourselves know that what we have is so deeper than just the physical. I sat, stunned, nodding listening to her perfect explanation of how she perceived what we were both going through, how right she was that We had so much more and would come to that exquisitely pleasurable point when We finally get there…she always has the balance to my illogical feminine fear.

I am finally beginning to feel what happiness feels like. Master and I are sorting through Our troubles, however the obstacles are becoming fewer and farther between. With the addition of my darling little dance partner We are exploring a new level of intimacy that doesn’t necessarily include sex, but definitely boosts my sexuality and confidence. I am living my dream, I am so blessed, so grateful and thankful to have my Master, my darling tiny dancer, to feel this sort of higher frequency. I am truly intoxicated with the amount of Love one can experience and very much look forward to seeing how we can all dance our Steps, One Step Closer.

us

Morning” by Michelle Lamoreaux