Sending her Love…

Break ups suck. I am the worst at breaking up to be honest and it’s because I am always second guessing my choices and trying to find solutions to problems, even if the solution doesn’t exist. I hate being dumped almost more than I hate dumping; being left stings a great deal, but being the one that walks away? That…that takes quite a bit more out of your resolve. This break up…this has been a doozy.

I broke up with my Beloved First yesterday. It was the hardest break up I have had to go through thus far. (Yes, even more difficult than leaving my ex-husband) It wasn’t huge, explosive or messy, it was just so weighted, so very poignant and something that I never thought I would ever do. She was my first…she was the one person in the world that I thought would understand all of me when I was a kid and couldn’t get a grasp on knowing myself…she was the first person to ever reciprocate my affections, and yesterday…I walked away. Seventeen-year-old me was not pleased. At. All.

So…why yesterday? What happened?? It wasn’t just yesterday. It wasn’t just July and the craziness of the month, it was a lot of things. The most recent was something that really hit home for me, was something that I thought she of all people being Transsexual would understand, but it didn’t work out that way. I came to her a few weeks ago when a new coworker and I had been discussing the LGBTQ community and how we personally fit in on the spectrum. The new coworker shocked me by saying that she was Transgender, but not the trans that I thought of. I dove into my research (rather than look dumb) and found that the “Transgender” definition is HUGE and actually covers everyone that doesn’t necessarily follow the “normal” gender norms. I found this fascinating, personally enriching, incredible news. I have never personally felt like I fit in anywhere, not on any spectrum. When I look at the mirror I’m female because that is the current casing my skin has, however how do I feel? How do I identify? Wait…there’s OPTIONS?!?!? This was a new concept to me; I could feel both? I could be balanced and kinda…both without being weird about my body?!?!?! Really??? And there are other people that totally feel the same way I do about their identities? NO FREAKING WAY…I got a bit excited about all of these new terms and ways of expressing oneself, this was excellent news for someone that has always struggled with how to identify themselves, but…what term do I use? What label fits me best? None of them really work still, but just the same, I felt that I was getting closer to being able to describe who I felt I was. I came to my Beloved First with all of this info, with my concerns, my questions, my confusion hoping that she would caste a brighter light on what I was going through, on the questions I was facing; she rather blew me off. She answered that yes, the Transgender term was used as an umbrella term for people who didn’t identify as normal gender norms, but as she let me go on and on about what I was a going through and the more I clarified that I wasn’t looking to change my outward appearance, that I was indeed perfectly content to be in my human skin (even though I’ve always felt like it’s on loan to me), the less interested she became. She told me not once, but on three different occasions that because I wasn’t seeking to do any changes that it really wasn’t that important, that the label was just a label and really didn’t matter in the long run. I sat in stunned silence; how could she, a person that had been crawling out of her skin her entire life, tell me that what I was feeling, the need to identify with who I was as a fleshy person…wasn’t that important? WHAT. I sat back in a bit of a shock, hurt and frustrated with the perspective that she had given me. I slept on it a few days before telling her that I was hurt, that I felt like she was dismissing me. She replied back that she was sorry that she wasn’t being as comforting as I would have liked, but that she really didn’t understand my concept of Duality/Balance or of how to assist in my personal search. I understood, I still do, that it is my path and my journey so outside influences won’t necessarily help, however it does help to shape the sixty million thoughts that I have zooming through my mind. We didn’t see eye to eye and I was continually more and more frustrated with her seemingly lack of care/interest. I tried to remind myself that she was hurting, healing, that she was still going through massive amounts of change herself and that I should do this on my own, not rely on her for any support…and that worked for a few, but the more I thought about that, the more it frazzled me that she was so distant, so nonchalant. I began to think about how she would handle this if I were closer to her, if I were in her inner circle, one of her girls…and I began to feel the resentment rise again about Our (her and mine) situation; her poly wasn’t the same poly as mine.

It isn’t that I think the way she and her girls do things is wrong, it works for them and seemingly makes them happy, it is however, wrong for me. They do not really know their partners “dates”, they know that they do date, (or in the case of one girl, that she is married), however the mates or “dates” of the other girls do not have to be communicated with, acknowledged or even liked by the other’s, just so long as they are known to exist. That’s consensual multi-dating to me and I suppose that is, to a degree, poly, however it is not the Poly that Master and I are. Our Lifestyle views are a bit more like one big happy family. Sure it’s Utopian in concept: people loving, caring, supporting one another, communicating openly with one another and being generally a loving tribe, but it’s not unheard of. Granted, I don’t expect my Master to be best friends with my Lovers, He was not friends on social media with my Beloved First, however He asked about her every day, listened to my concerns, supported me in my search to be with her, to grow with her and when it came time for this, yes, my Master supported my decision to go. We have lived through this sort of thing twice before with other’s in Our lives and it’s always the same for Us; We want loving people to actually have a life with, not just date/fuck and have scenes. Master doesn’t expect me to be in love with His partners, that’s His prerogative, Master does however expect me to have an open mind, to meet new people and see them from the perspective that Our partners make Us happy and Our Happiness is the ultimate goal in Our marriage. We may not be attracted to each other’s mates, that is alright. We may all find each other hot, that would be wicked! The main thing is that We all understand the basic principal of open honesty and constant, meaningful communication. All that being said, the two versions of Poly families didn’t add up and I was not seeing ways that they would. My Beloved First had no interest in getting to know my Master (though she was extremely supportive during His recent medical emergencies) and her girls had no interest in knowing me, despite my near desperate desire to know them.

Aside from that deal breaker, I was and am still very pained by being shut out for the time while she was gone. Yes, my logic completely understands that she was in massive, worlds of pain and would not have wanted me talking to her anyway, and of course there was nothing I could do, be of little use or help. I understand all of this, but that does not quiet the nasty little emotional beastie inside from tearing me apart every time I would see her “online” but not reaching out or talking to me. I kept my distance because I didn’t want to intrude, to pry, however desperately I wanted to be of any support. My Master held me together while I was wracked with worry, watching, waiting for any word on if she was okay, on how she was recovering. I became a troll on her social media page just to see the updates; sob a little if she was struggling, cheer if she was doing well…keeping my distance because frankly, learning these things just as the mass public learned them, while she had claimed over and over again that I was close, her girlfriend, I was dear to her heart and while distant from her adoration of her girls, I was incredibly important to her; watching her girls post updates like all her other social media “friends” was excruciating. She couldn’t understand why I said over and over again that I wouldn’t be on the outside looking in. She flat out told me that she didn’t understand this concept that I was so upset about…I am still racking my fingers through my hair trying to keep myself from screaming, “REALLY?!?!?” I do not understand why she cultivated a deep, emotional reconnection with me right before she was going to drop me back into general population to sit it out and NOT understand my concept of being shut out. It isn’t like she had just met me, that she didn’t know of my abandonment issues (of which we may have discussed, at length before her surgery) of my emotional clinginess…I’m getting worked up over the details but the point is, that we had fundamental issues with what my place in her life was.

In hindsight, this relationship was doomed from the start; a stolen season. How far would we have gone if I hadn’t stepped back? We’d finally meet, face to face after all these years, not just through screens? I’d make a trip to her, be introduced to her girls or just dated in the background? She’d meet my Master or just come down for weekend hotel stays? I’d reintroduce her to my family…the list of disasters goes on in my mind like a winding, vast, crumbling yellow brick road; there is no Emerald City, no ruby slippers, just a cliff into sadness. I couldn’t imagine the pain of all that, of continuing on, of trying my hardest to be in a place I didn’t want to be, to be her hobby (not when I wanted to mean so much more) and then having the devastation that could await. There is always the silver lining that says that maybe things would be different, perhaps things wouldn’t be as traumatic as I’m envisioning however, I’m not the seventeen-year-old girl I one was and I understand that it’s okay that she and I don’t match up, that we tried and that it wasn’t a failure, just a lesson in what we both want and what we both need.

I don’t think I expected myself to be able to follow through with it…leaving my Beloved First after all I wanted when she left me, so long ago, was to be her girlfriend again. I had that, she had given me the title and I wore it so proudly for a few weeks, loved it so much, loved every term of endearment she used for me. I am…proud of myself for understanding that even though she has been so influential in my life, especially now, and even though I am madly in love with her, I have to let her go; We aren’t right for one another. It is because I love her so much that I am saving both of us the pain of what this could be, what this would be. Make no mistake, I have had to stop writing a few times and wipe my eyes, this does indeed hurt like no other pain I have ever experienced and I cherish that pain; I have lived, I have tried, I have fallen and I have learned when to step back from a heart that is not in sync with my own, even her heart.

Master has been extremely comforting. He has listened to my points and why I let her go, His eyes tender with empathetic loss. He held me while I cried, stroking my back. He has supported me in my “labeling” search as well and while I still don’t have a term that feels like it fits who I am, I’m once again becoming alright with that, I know that my place is with Him and that is a safe place for me to be. He’s assured me that this summer has been one of great growth and with that are a lot of growing pains, that We’ll make it through. My Master couldn’t be more right.

I have one more trip to make and it’s a big one, next week. I’m not exactly looking forward to it, however I know that being alone, taking the time and breathing a bit away from all this heaviness will do Master’s spoon a world of good. I’m not sure what to do or what will happen next, but I have confidence that Master and I can handle things, that We’ll sort out the choreography again. As always, though sometimes stumbling, One Step Closer.

walking away

Advertisements

Singing Him to sleep…

I was not prepared for how understanding that He would be. I know that sounds odd considering the light I paint Us in, that my Master would seem like the most amazing, understanding and patient person on the planet; however I was not prepared for how kind, empathetic and genuine my Master has proven Himself to be.

Master has always been extremely resilient when it comes to His health issues, He never wants to admit that He has conditions, concerns, risks. Tonight He calmly sat me down for a conversation that I never thought I would have with Him; He quietly, gently explained that this attack, this bout of seizures put His health into perspective for Him, that He isn’t in control of any of His conditions, that His medication is not a weakness, but that it helps Him to live, to be a better Master, Husband and Father….while I could have wept, I exhaled slowly, listening intently to Him, watching His expression, deeply gazing into His eyes. He wasn’t admitting defeat, He was accepting His life and the gifts that He had been given to Him in order to live the best life He can live.

A bit of good (though not great news); His neurology team called to inform Him after evaluating His current case, they’ve dropped His anti-seizure prescription from 750mg twice a day to 500mg twice a day. They all talked, and He was doing well on 750mg (one as a posed to two) per day that they were weaning Him to, so they decided that dropping His dose to the 500mg (twice a day) would allow Him to still be on the medication, but would hopefully limit the side effects. He wasn’t overtly pleased, however He didn’t fuss or curse when He took His meds tonight; gently cupping my hand and thanking me when I came by with them.

Today He kissed me more than He has all week, touched me when ever He passed me. He smiled more at me, bashful and kind one moment, bold, brash and sexy the next. I found myself blushing, smiling, kissing Him deeper, holding Him tighter.  He worked on yard maintenance today, I managed the household chores before taking the children out to spend birthday money at the local shopping mall. It was very pleasant to stroll around, to message Master like I always do when I get to a new location, sending Him pics of neat little things that I think He would find interesting. He replied back quickly, cheerfully; telling me when He went anywhere and what He was doing, informing me again when He made it safely home. My heart smiled with each message received/sent.

Tonight, with the children in bed, We’ve been talking, listening to music. Master has made it a point of saying that He’s been changed by this attack, that it’s affected Him on a larger scale than any of the others have and He’s grateful that I was able to be strong enough to handle it, handle Him. He keeps pausing during Our favorite songs, watching me as I quietly mouth the words, watching Him, typing without watching my fingers, knowing I can edit when I have a moment, lost in the lyrics and what they mean to me, in regards to Him. “All of me” by John Legend always distracts Him, and I cannot get enough of His golden eyes on me as I sing along, just for Him. His smile…oh that smile that melts my insides and causes butterflies all at the same time, I live for that smile, doing everything that I can to produce that look in His eyes. Songs will come on my radio station that We both have stories from Our past for, gently listening to one another, laughing, enjoying the moment before adding Our own experiences to the tune; I live for moments like this. He lets me write, let’s me type out the thoughts I can’t seem to form verbal words for, (He’ll read all this later and smile that secret smile He reserves for me) listening to good tunes, sipping on wine. He’ll check His email or get distracted and look away, only to catch me looking at Him, He flushes a bit, flashing me that thousand watt smile that irradiates my heart strings and I’m a puddle of goo, barely cognitive to narrate this piece. I mention a certain word that I’m trying to spell, He chimes in to help, sounding it out with me, testing it against spell check; giggling like school kids at Our ill attempts, smiling at one another for long moments before picking up the Conversation again.

So…with Balance being restored to Our household for the time being, new medication levels to adjust to, the very last few weeks of summer that include a business trip for His spoon, We’re relaxing in the lull before storms. We understand Our heading, where We have come and where We need to go and for the first time, I’m so relieved to not have to put up the façade that He can some how beat His conditions, that He is less of a man because He has health issues. He’s accepted them, that His meds help, not hinder of cause Him to lose any amount of the man He has ever been and I…I have more of my Master back than I have had in quiet some time.

The road isn’t clear ahead and I’m sure the adventures that We face will be varied in difficulty and absurdity however, with my Master, this dance is something all together unexpected; painful, exquisite, soul clenching in it’s depths and still We spiral One Step Closer.

Protected

 

Guarding Him

watching over

*deep sigh* I don’t really know how to start this other than stating the facts; Master had three seizures two days ago. He has been working with his neurology team to try and get Him off of His seizure meds as its been almost two years since He had an attack…but two days ago We had three and He had to go back on His anti-seizure meds.

It was horrifying…I can’t think of a better word than that, perhaps terrifying? It doesn’t matter, it was my worst nightmare, lived in finite detail, slowly, painfully and without relent. He has what We supporters of seizure patients call, “aura’s”; they’re like precursors to an actual attack, a warning alarm. When they’re little, Master can push them off, they’re very much like panic attacks, He gets out of breath, heated, panicked and sometimes nauseous. When the aura is a strong one, there isn’t anything Master can do, He will seize. He knows the difference between the two and often warns me, seconds before He goes that He is going…of course I know, I’m watching Him, terrified, praying against Hope that it doesn’t turn out like it does…

When someone seizes many things can happen. For Master, His whole body goes ridged and He convulses violently. He uses all of His strength as that all of His muscles are tensed and being shocked into action by His freaking out brain. He can hurt Himself, can fall off the bed, hit His head, break things around Him etc…it is the job of His caregiver to keep Him from harming Himself, harming others or breaking things. I am His caregiver and it is my job to watch Him, to sooth Him with my voice while He’s incapacitated, to hold Him without hurting Him all the while making sure that I don’t get hurt and that things don’t get broken. The first seizure came at about 7 am…We were still in bed and He had, had a couple little flashes which always makes me nervous…and then the big one hit…It’s like being murdered to watch the one you love go from being the one you love into the worst fear you’ve ever had…to watch Him become unresponsive, to hear the horrible yell that tears from His throat as He loses the battle with the demon science created…He came down from the first one enough that I could tell Him that He had one. He wasn’t 100% back, so I let Him rest as that I can’t move Him to the car, not without help, I’m too little. I hovered next to Him in bed, fully clothed, watching His breathing as He slept. I had finished making a call to his employer about Him missing that day of work and was sending a message to a friend about what was going on when He turned over, reaching for me, into the second seizure without any warning. He grabbed my arm so hard, He was seizing and didn’t know He was hurting me; I dropped my phone, I dropped everything and grabbed Him before He rolled onto the floor, pulling Him onto the bed as He thrashed, gently trying to keep my voice calm and soothing as I told Him everything was alright that I had Him, that everything was okay…my voice was cracking, my doubt was creeping in, even I was losing grip on what “okay” meant. He gently let go of my arm, I held Him as He came down from it, wiping the spittle from His lips as His breath began to reach normal. I moved Him more onto the bed, watching Him, noting the time and how long the seizure was…whimpering and crying, very much losing my calm. My arm was bruised.

It was now nearly 9 and I knew my children were awake. I had to tell them, so I did. I gave them their phones to message me if they needed anything, that I was in the room, that Daddy had seizures and that we all needed to stay very quiet and very calm. They asked if they could have breakfast. I checked on Master, He was awake. I told Him what happened and He understood, complaining that His stomach hurt horribly (a common side effect) and was making Him nauseous; I brought Him a bucket as I knew He couldn’t get to the bathroom and asked if I could get Him anything else, He groaned no and wanted to be left alone to wretch. I closed the door…I went and made the children toaster waffles; in space of time that it took me to get them fed, I walked back in on my Master in the middle of His third seizure, just about to fall out of bed. I caught Him, hauling Him up with all of my strength onto our bed one last time, this time crying, begging Him to be okay, to please come back to me, that I was so lost without Him…His eyes were so unfocused, He couldn’t see me, or hear me, He just gaped, gasping for air like a banked fish. I stroked the hair out of His face, went through the deep breathing exercises that they teach you to do while the patient is coming down…tears soaking every part of my face. He slowly, gently went limp in my arms, His unseeing eyes finally closing as the seizure left Him.

When He came to the third time, groggy and disoriented and I told Him that He had suffered three seizures and that I needed to either take Him in or call an ambulance, He refused. Eyes wide with terror, He begged me to call His doctors, tell them what happened, but to please keep Him home. He pleaded, begged me, sighting that He was terrified of the hospital and being poked and prodded, that He couldn’t stand the thought of a day wasted there or a night without me…it was His tears that killed my resolve, His tears and knowing that the ER would take down every note I made, every detail I could recall, put Him through the same tests they always put Him through when He experiences these, make sure He’s on His meds and inform Him to talk to His primary care physicians the next chance He gets. This is standard for seizure patients if they have a history of it. There was no reason for Us to go in. We knew what was wrong. I gave Him the medication to take, He took it without a word.

I watched Him all day. He was horribly physically sick, retching three times, dry heaving twice before His stomach relented. With every single muscle in His body tensing not once but three times, each a prolonged session, He was (and still is) incredibly sore. His body finally let my poor Master rest around noon. He drifted, waking, took one look at His clock and nearly jumped out of bed, angry with me for letting Him over sleep; I reminded Him of the morning He had just had…His eyes lost their shine as He recalled what He could, nodding His head. He asked me questions like He always does, did the children see? Was I alright? Did anything get broken? I told Him that the kids were not allowed in and didn’t see anything, that I was…next to Him and that no, nothing was broken. He eased a bit and went back to sleep.

Concerned relatives came over for a few moments around 2, allowing me the moment to step out, getting some French fries for Master and a huge iced latte for myself, at His request. The drive to Starbucks was the longest I’ve ever taken. It was so horribly loud, the light from the sun hurt so much, even the girl at the window was too utterly cheerful for my raw, shredded nerves. I came home, grateful to see Master sitting with family; He ate a bit, however was clearly suffering the horrible body aches and pains after having such an episode and retreated to Our bedroom again very quickly after I came home from His errand. Our family gave their hugs and kisses to me and the children, wishing Master well from the door way. His sad smile broke my heart.

The children spent most of the day playing their favorite video games, watching their favorite shows and movies and eating all their favorite snacks/meals. I had no patience or time for argument, and keeping them quiet was paramount, so keeping them occupied with copious amounts of screen time, for once, was allowed. They gave many hugs, asked a few questions with frightened eyes, but listened with sweet open hearts that always seemed reassured by my words of advice and explanation. They told me I was Wonder Mom…it hurt to smile.

I spent my day at His side, watching Him sleep. My Beloved First and my dearest companion (my beyond best friend) kept me talking and soothed. They listened to my panic and to my despair. I was so surprised to have my Beloved First be there…she’s been extremely distant for obvious personal healing reasons and I’ve given her the space she needs, for my obvious family reasons…but the moment my distress call went out over the airwaves to her, Her hand was in mine, she was not going to let me go through this alone. I was extremely grateful for both my First and my companion, that they were there, keeping me focused and logical.

We went in to have Master’s blood work done with His cardiology team. They were concerned, but when His blood work came back normal, they breathed a sigh of relief, told Him that it would be very wise to contact His neurology team for a follow up and that they would see Him in a month for His usual blood work. We went home to a very quiet evening. The children were tired and tucked in easily, Master and I passed out quickly with few words other than my tearful sniffles of “I love you” and His calm replies of, “I love you too my spoon, rest now”.

It’s been nearly three days now…it’s late evening on the second day…I’ve missed work. This attack has hit me so hard, I have had to stop writing this piece several times, wiping my eyes and trying my hardest to let the agony of it all go. What hurts the worst is that Master was so excited that His neurology team wanted to get Him off these meds, that His dosage was so low and it had been nearly two years since His last attack; We were both so overjoyed at the prospect of having one less chemical racing through His system. The medication He takes to counter His seizures affects His moods, it causes Him to go through bouts of depression/anger/loss of motivation…for the few days that He was completely off the drug…I had my Master, my Husband, the Man I married back. He was so much happier. He cleaned the house, went out and played with the kids, made dinner, swept me off my feet and fucked me until I nearly cried…I had…a dream. Reality was waking up to the aura’s, to the seizures, to the meds. The nightmare was watching the Man I love be overcome by a demon that neither of Us could fight without the drugs in His system. I watched Him sleep all day and tried my hardest to bury my tears and whimpers of utter despair into one of His pocket squares.

Today, when I came home early from what should have been an eight-hour shift but was a cut drastically short by my lack of ability to keep my emotions in check; Master held me as I bawled, clinging tightly to Him. He sat on the bed and curled me up next to Him, my head in His lap, His fingers in my hair and let me cry and cuddle, cling and be needy. When I had succumbed to sniffles, He gave me water to hydrate. He laid down, held me close, me and my stuffed animals as I drifted off to sleep in His arms, spooned into His body. He rubbed my neck and shoulders, gently soothed my screaming lower back (did I mention my period started sometime around the second seizure? Yea……) as He kissed my shoulder, whispering that I was such a good little spoon and to relax. I slept light, but I was trying to savor the moment anyway, to hear every beat of His heart.

We both have tomorrow off…I really hope that writing all this out has helped liked Master thinks that it will… that I feel better. I keep getting so frustrated and flustered, there is no reason why this is…yes, okay, yes there fucking is a reason why this is affecting me so horribly, despite the fact I didn’t go through the seizure itself; because I did. I don’t know what it feels like and pray that I never will, but it is a true blessing that Master doesn’t remember what I see, that His mind mercifully shuts it all out. I witness every horrible second of my worst nightmare, in the flesh, in my arms…I live through every soul tearing moment and can do nothing other than keep Him as safe and as calm as possible until He comes out of it. I mark the time and how long they are, how long it takes Him to get back to some sort of recognition. I recount these things to however many doctors/nurses and interns I need to in order for them to get a proper picture of what happened and to properly diagnose. I face my worst demon as it tries to overtake my greatest joy…and I watch Him win every time. It’s horrible, it’s terrible and I hate every moment, but I would never let Him ever do it alone, not if it is in my power to be His Guarding Angel.

So…I’m not well right now. I hope to one day get there, and I know as the days stretch on and Master settles back into His routine that We will be alright, that He has His spoon, just as she has Her Master. It’s going to take me more time that I thought, but I’ve been promised that it’s okay, that Master will never hold it against His spoon to be so emotionally compromised over such a traumatic event. The demons may try to best Us, but they can’t keep Us from always dancing, one step closer.

An ever evolving version of herself

I have often said that I am not a social person, I’m rather reserved and quiet in large crowds, don’t go out to parties or clubs much. It isn’t that I don’t enjoy being around people I know and can be myself with, I merely don’t have many people I feel comfortable around. I get nervous in large groups, I’ve noted that several times in my blog and how terrifying it can be for me to be out without Master and how He has helped condition me to take on the day, to take on my horrible social anxieties and be able to be more at ease in public. Today I showed off His amazing work.

I’ve made mention a few times about Master’s family being a very sore subject, one that often has Us in fits and very high stress-situations. (The destination wedding? Yea…the least of the worries when it comes to that side of His clan) Well over the course of the last couple of days, part of His family has moved closer, much closer to Us. These two adults are the couple that We threw the wedding for, Master’s close relatives and He’s delighted that they are here to stay and to get settled in the amazing area that We call home. The family that tagged along with them for a few days? …Let’s just say that I was on strict Orders not to allow these people into Our house and to alert the authorities if they came on to our property; “Not welcome, little spoon. Not here, not ever,” were His Orders to me, which I stayed nervously on the alert for; they never showed up. Good on them. Now that the riff-raff is out of town and We can relax a bit more, Master allowed me the opportunity to be the Welcome Committee today. I went over to spend time with Our family and get the details out of them about their new plans and next steps. Master was kind enough to stay home with Our children while I made this little house call and was delighted to see all of Us return Home before He had to go to work.

All evening I was able to show Our guests Our home, Our lovely backyard, play with Our children a bit, eat blackberries right off the vine even! I made dinner, we all talked and had a really good evening. I missed Master so much, trying to remember all the details as much as possible so that when He comes Home I can clue Him into everything that is going to happen, that has happened. I loved being able to observe this lovely young couple on their own without the constant shadow of the riff-raff we’ve had to suffer around them up until now; they’re an endearingly sweet pair and I have high hopes for them. They’re going to be coming over quiet a bit until they get settled into their new place and sort out what they’re going to do about employment. Master and I have high hopes for their potential, I have been given permission to show them a bit more around town tomorrow; I’m very eager to show off even more.

Sitting alone with my little laptop, waiting for Master to come Home to me from work, I am so very proud of the work He had done in me, the Light He has reminded me that I possess. When We first married, I cowered behind Him, allowed Him to handle His family, speak to them, ask them anything. As the years passed, as Our bond became closer, deeper, even more intimate, I slowly sunk into His clan, they began to recognize me as His wife/partner (not a gold digger). After His emergency heart surgery I gained a lot of respect, after moving across state lines, going through supporting Master through college as well as countless medical issues, and after the latest fiasco with the destination wedding, I’ve come to realize that His family needs me a lot more than I need them. I married my Master, and they are all very, very lucky that I love Him to the degree that I do, otherwise I wouldn’t pay over half of them any attention whatsoever. More over, I am so very devoted to my Beloved Master. He has shown me, by putting me in situations where I have to face my fears, must push past my insecurities, my doubts and must be His Second in Command, His first line of defense when He was unable to fight, that I am so much stronger than I ever imagined I was. While I never want Him in pain or to have to endure more medical troubles; through each diagnosis, every procedure, We’re stronger, We’re closer. With His family, through every trial, every stupid decision We have to help them sort through, every tiny frustration that mounts into a huge obstacle, helps Us be More. When Master sent me to do wedding planning (part 1) in His absence while He stayed home and pulled in a pay check, I was physically ill the day before I left, terrified of failure; I got on the plane, made the journey and am so much stronger for it. Through every horribly ridiculous moment, I have been evolving into a better version of myself with His expert guidance, His warm understanding, His matching passion and equally humbling frustration have all helped to shape me into so much more than I ever thought I could be. I am so grateful for the way He has helped me, the way He has allowed me to explode, I’m even grateful for the arguments and raised voices We’ve had over all of this; in an odd way it has shown me how much I love Him, how much I’ll endure for the person I devote my Heart to. I would never tolerate all of this for anyone else, not in a million years.

He makes all of this worth it, His love, the Space that He holds for me, that space at His feet, the space two paces behind Him just to His right…that place in His embrace for spoon. It brings me to tears to think of the pay off His Love is next to all that I endure. I can be myself, all of myself with Him; that is worth it, so priceless to my heart. I need that space and I know that He needs the space that I hold Sacred for Him; my Master, my Beloved Twin Flame.

As my energy is winding down and I’m beginning to get very sappy and lovey dovey about my Beloved Master, I want to end this piece with a “little” secret about me. I have a very deep love for stuffed animals (something Master knows/indulges often) and have a tendency to get stuffie’s that I then associate to people/places in my life. (I have a small collection, it’s a long story, yes they have names, yes they have back stories, judge me, I don’t care.) When the kids and I were out two days ago, I found a Sully from Disney/Pixar’s Monster’s Inc. I LOVE Sully and here, in a nutshell, is why;  Sully is a monster and He works with other monsters to scare children (to power his world…watch the movie!), until He meets Boo. Everything changes when He meets her and instead of trying to scare Her, He tries to help her get back Home, get back to safety as well as find the confidence to fight her own monster. Sully taught Boo to be better than she was, to face her monster and to not be afraid. He protected her when she was in a frightening new world, taking care of Her until he could get her safely back home, back to her door. She showed Him that a life full of laughter was much brighter than a world full of fear. He didn’t exactly save her, she didn’t exactly save Him, They saved each other. They taught each other through their trials to be more than they were, to face their demons and to become even closer than they were when they met. So I now have a rather large Sully stuffed animal and you betcha that I am snuggled tight with Him waiting for my Master to come home.

It’s been such a long productive day…I feel so tired, so happily exhausted to be of use to my Beloved Master. He’s so very proud and should be home soon. I very much look forward to tomorrow and how We can improve, evolve; always one step closer.

 

Coming back to herself

My back, my core and my shoulders are tight, sore today. Yesterday was a doozey of a day for my workload. Though I had the day off from my job, I accomplished many things, having the sore body to prove it does have its own rewards. *winks*

Yesterday I awoke to a message from my Beloved First. At the time I had just awakened, hadn’t had coffee yet and admit to being rather cold/distant; however, reading the messages over, I’m rather confident of the way I handled myself. I’m not really sure what she was thinking she was going to return to, an over distraught, over eager girl, hugging, jumping and pawing for attention, but that wasn’t the welcome back she received. I wrote coolly, calmly that I was very pleased that she was home and healing and that I understood that she didn’t have a lot of energy to talk to me. I noted that I was very happy that she had her girls around her to take care of her, to love her and that while I did deeply care, that I wanted her to take all the time that she needed to heal, that we could talk another time. I told her honestly that the time sent without her was very difficult for me, but that I didn’t want to trouble her with that now, instead I told her that I wrote in my blog about it and that if and when she had the energy, she could read about it there. I warned her that it was raw and uncensored, which she appreciated and then I left it at that. I’ve seen her online, she might even read this, however the ball is in her court and when she feels well enough (if) then she’ll talk to me. It isn’t that I don’t care, I do, very, very deeply to the point that it has really affected my day to day life and I can’t allow that. I have to direct my affections and attentions where they are needed, wanted and importantly, appreciated.

The rest of my day was spent enjoying being Ordered on an errand for Master and then taking my children to a shop to get some fun toys/games. Master sent me while He was still at home, so that I could have some time alone to sort out my thoughts before He approved my plan of games/toys for the kids. While I was out I turned my thoughts to how lucky and grateful I am that I have my Master and that He understands me. We’ve been together for nine and a half years, that’s the longest anyone has ever been with me on a day to day basis that wasn’t blood related. He understands my moods, my ups and downs, (the way I say the word “fine” and what it really means), but one of the most important things that my Master has ever learned about me is that He can’t fix me. He understands that when I’m ranting and raving, when I am crying, bawling, gasping for air upset, that the only thing He can do is hold safe space for me and let me explode. He quietly listens, sometimes with a deep look of concern or frustration, sometimes with a clenched jaw and hard, narrow eyes. When I’m crying, bawling, deep in my emotional and irrational heart, He holds me tightly, stroking my hair, listening to my whispered pleas as I crumble down into His hands. It has taken me nearly a decade, but I finally trust Him with all of Me, finally trust Him to Hold Space for me.

With that amazingly uplifting thought in my mind, the children and I went shopping as I had planned. We got some pretty fantastic deals on classic board games before heading back home. Upon walking in, I suddenly saw all that I had been so blind to last week; Our house was a mess. I quickly went about dictating out chores to the children and organizing Our space. I was so thankful that Master has been my emotional rock, I didn’t realize I completely neglected the house and that He had His hands full with His estranged family, me, Our children and Our professional lives (schedules) getting hectic. My poor Master had been handling it all with such grace, I was completely blind to all that I was letting slip. I went into sub/Mom overhaul. The children got their play area and bedrooms cleaned, laundry to the machines. I got the dishes done, laundry started/changed over/folded, floors swept and mopped, kitty box changed, bathroom scrubbed down as well as dinner/dessert made for the children. Master came home to a tidy little abode with happy, smiling faces. The look of relief on His face was priceless.

After the wee ones went to bed, I showed Master how appreciative I was of all that He had done for me. I showered/shaved and straddled Him while He lay dozing on Our bed. I kissed every inch of His torso before kissing Him deeply, He moaned, fingers in my hair, sighing my name, not spoon, but my name gently in my ear….I got all tingly, flustered, heated. I knelt down His body and worshiped His cock, sucked, licked, teased, nipped, loved all over it. I watched Him, steadily, delighting in the way He watched me, the sounds He made, the way His fingers tangled in my curls holding it all up to help me keep focus, but not to direct my pace; He again was allowing me all the space in the world to be myself. I got sloppy on His cock, began to chock and drool on it, hum a bit, I could feel that I was definitely wet, knew that my jaw was getting fatigued. He could tell that I was getting pint up, that my stamina was slackening; He raised my chin with His long, perfect fingers, bringing my lips to His before pulling me over His lap, slapping my ass before diving two fingers deep into my slippery little hole. I cooed, squealed into a pillow as He worked His pussy over, slapping my ass occasionally to keep me from going over the edge too soon all the while stroking the pleasure right out of me. He chuckled as my body betrayed me, gushing around His fingers, soaking the sheets just a little. He took me on my knees then, head down into the pillows just like I like it, ass in the air so He has the perfect grip on my hips for full penetration. He did not hesitate, didn’t for one moment allow my mind to wonder just where He was, He was deep, buried inside of my recesses before I could gasp out a ‘thank you Master.’ He grunted out a long, low moan before starting long, measured, sure strokes. I was biting the mattress before He was done with His fifth stroke, quivering in orgasm around His perfect cock. He slapped my ass, pulling out, flipping me over, sliding back in, capturing my lips with His all before I had I could formulate a response. We kissed deeply as He continued, my legs wrapped around His waist. He held my face softly in between His hands, kissing me like He was dying of thirst, whispering that I was such a good girl, His good little slut; We both found the mark quickly and exploded quietly into the pillows as to not wake the children…or the neighbors.

My Beloved Master held me close as we drifted off afterwards. He gently kissed my forehead, telling me that He was so pleased, so happy to have me in His life not only as His Beloved sub, but as His wife, companion, His second in command. My eyes welled with tears, I hugged Him around His neck tightly, pressing the length of my body to His, too choked up to respond. I am so very happy to be back in this Space, in His arms, secure in my place in His heart…I cried for a moment while He held me tightly, knowing all too well what I was trying to say as He softly whispered, “Time for bed my little spoon. Another long day tomorrow, one more step closer.”

held

Breathing Easier

It’s getting later  on in the evening, and I really do want to keep this brief, but thought it was important that I write as Master did mention that He liked how it calmed me down, and I deeply agree.

Today was blissfully jam packed with far too much work drama and high demand need of me for my thoughts to even sort of catch up. I was at work very early, ended up working in two departments as we were again short staffed and blowing through not one but two breaks just to keep up. By the time I was coming home, I was mentally exhausted and stumbling over my words a bit.

Upon getting home, I was informed of more family drama with Master’s side of the family. We talked, at length about what was going on, ranted, raved, vented to one another about the ridiculousness of it all before I stormed out to do dishes, more than a bit annoyed that there were dishes left over from the previous night in the first place for me to do. While I scrubbed down Our grime, listened to the kids playing with their friend, knowing that Master was on the computer, attempting to sort out things with His family; a gentle sense of calm came over me. My shoulders relaxed a bit, I let go of the walls I had been keeping up and allowed my mind to wander. My Beloved First popped up immediately, however I took a deep breath, she was on her way home. She would be fine. She would be recovering with Her girls where they should be and they all would grow closer together. I exhaled, I sent her Love and Light; I let her go.

The rest of the evening was quite uneventful. Master and I continued to hash out plans about the family drama, the kids played until dinner time and We all watched a beloved musical favorite. The kids don’t appreciate Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra as much as We do, however it was very pleasant to have an evening that I wasn’t consumed with worry or my own abandonment issues.

We’re going to tuck the kids in after they get done with their showers. I thankfully have tomorrow off and I’ve already asked Master if I can sleep in late. He’s promised that He’ll let me work for it properly once the little ones are out. I’m tingling with what He has in mind.

My Master has bid me to Thank You so much for being with me through all of this; and I couldn’t be more happy to Obey. Thank You for the honest feedback, for the support, for the Love You’ve shown me. I don’t have the proper words to really express how much I needed each and every one of You, however I sincerely bow in thanks for all that You have given me. It would seem that You all are helping me find my way, One Step Closer.

getting easier

Multi-faceted Beast

I am getting very tired of my current state…truly. I get impatient with all of this, I’m so ready to just be done with it already…My Beloved First messaged me very early this morning (12:11 am my time to be exact) that she was sorry she was such a “soundless hole” lately and that she was very worn down by everything that was going on around/with her; that she was, healthy, healing and traveling on Thursday; home by that night…I shook a bit while reading that, exhaling slowly, this was all stuff that I had read before, all information that her girls had already posted on her page. I was gracious, gentle in my response but have left it being distantly withdrawn; I was happy she was healthy, glad she was getting the time she needed to recover/heal and to please be safe while traveling, that she was in my prayers/thoughts. I went to sleep with that snippet of information, brief as it was, clinging just a bit to it for security.

I woke torn and frustrated; I had replied, and she was awake and active online before me, but she hadn’t read my message. I sent her another message, letting her know my schedule for Thursday if she was feeling up to chatting and left it at that…all day she has been online and all day she has not read my messages. I am struggling with the need to be empathetic and the selfish horrible guilt I feel at stomping my foot and wanting to be seen, accepted, understood.

I struggle with understanding that this is massive in her life. My logic completely understands, I get it from all the fundamental angles; for the first time ever, she is going to feel so much more whole, so much more…like a free spirit in her own flesh. I can’t even imagine, to begin to understand what that feels like. I am in constant awe of her journey, to even think about being in flesh that I need to change, that I need to alter to that degree…I honestly can’t even begin to fathom it. I am so proud of her, for taking this road, for surviving as she has in such a judgmental world; truly, the Trans community is one that I hold in great honor for their struggle and incredible stories of life, love and compassion. What I adore about her is the fact that she is still the sweet soul I fell madly in love with when I was a teenager, she is still that girl that I could tell anything to, that soul that never judged me no matter what I put before her, she was always…someone who had my back. This hurts so much because I wish that I had the opportunity to show that I have her, that I am by her side, that I love her and adore her and am so proud…but I don’t. I’m on the outside, looking in.

That’s when I get torn, that’s when my emotions turn to anger and to distrust; why am I here, looking in? She brought me in to such a degree, held me so closely (at least in words, online, in messages) to her heart, why then do I have to suffer out here, in the cold, with all the other social media “friends”? I don’t understand why I’m not held to the same degree, why she isn’t talking to me, why she hasn’t been leaning on me for support like I have offered so many times and she has taken…why is she online, but not talking to me? I feel so needy, so ridiculously selfish and horrid for these feelings of want to support, of want to just…be there…it’s agony. The little snippet helped, at least I know that she’s alright from her lips, but I knew all that already from the public posts her girls put on social media. She didn’t tell me anything that wasn’t already public knowledge, and being so close, being held at some point in such regard, it stings like a cold slap in the face to have that public information regurgitated to back to me.

My emotions quickly whiplash back to empathy and my logic tells me to be patient, that her world has been utterly changed for the better and that this is so much new, so much change for her and her girls to manage that I must be stronger than this, I have to breathe deeper, bog down and just…suck it up buttercup…*sigh deeply, wiping tears* Master tells me that I push myself too hard to feel what I think is appropriate rather than feeling what I feel…He’s right, He’s so very right so very often…

 So that’s where I’m at today. She will be home tomorrow as long as her recovery continues as it has been; I’m torn between anger at being kept at such a distance this entire week, empathetic to the massive situation that my Beloved First and her girls find her/themselves in, and being really hard on myself for being such a needy/clingy/emotional git during all of this. I’m exhausted…truly and I just want to sleep easy and have this behind me. I want them home safely, recovering from all of this change as they should…I want peace and calm…and even while I type that, “I want” is what I see and I hate that…*sigh*

Master has promised me back rubs…He believes that I’ve tortured myself enough for one day and that I have another long one ahead of me, so I best shut the laptop down and take my treatment/care like a good girl…I love Him so, my darling, Beloved Master. Through all of this, all He has wanted is to see me smile again, He’s such a devoted Husband, a dedicated Master. Even when I’m spiraling out into random orbit, He reminds me that We are always dancing one step closer.

demon whispers