Break ups suck. I am the worst at breaking up to be honest and it’s because I am always second guessing my choices and trying to find solutions to problems, even if the solution doesn’t exist. I hate being dumped almost more than I hate dumping; being left stings a great deal, but being the one that walks away? That…that takes quite a bit more out of your resolve. This break up…this has been a doozy.
I broke up with my Beloved First yesterday. It was the hardest break up I have had to go through thus far. (Yes, even more difficult than leaving my ex-husband) It wasn’t huge, explosive or messy, it was just so weighted, so very poignant and something that I never thought I would ever do. She was my first…she was the one person in the world that I thought would understand all of me when I was a kid and couldn’t get a grasp on knowing myself…she was the first person to ever reciprocate my affections, and yesterday…I walked away. Seventeen-year-old me was not pleased. At. All.
So…why yesterday? What happened?? It wasn’t just yesterday. It wasn’t just July and the craziness of the month, it was a lot of things. The most recent was something that really hit home for me, was something that I thought she of all people being Transsexual would understand, but it didn’t work out that way. I came to her a few weeks ago when a new coworker and I had been discussing the LGBTQ community and how we personally fit in on the spectrum. The new coworker shocked me by saying that she was Transgender, but not the trans that I thought of. I dove into my research (rather than look dumb) and found that the “Transgender” definition is HUGE and actually covers everyone that doesn’t necessarily follow the “normal” gender norms. I found this fascinating, personally enriching, incredible news. I have never personally felt like I fit in anywhere, not on any spectrum. When I look at the mirror I’m female because that is the current casing my skin has, however how do I feel? How do I identify? Wait…there’s OPTIONS?!?!? This was a new concept to me; I could feel both? I could be balanced and kinda…both without being weird about my body?!?!?! Really??? And there are other people that totally feel the same way I do about their identities? NO FREAKING WAY…I got a bit excited about all of these new terms and ways of expressing oneself, this was excellent news for someone that has always struggled with how to identify themselves, but…what term do I use? What label fits me best? None of them really work still, but just the same, I felt that I was getting closer to being able to describe who I felt I was. I came to my Beloved First with all of this info, with my concerns, my questions, my confusion hoping that she would caste a brighter light on what I was going through, on the questions I was facing; she rather blew me off. She answered that yes, the Transgender term was used as an umbrella term for people who didn’t identify as normal gender norms, but as she let me go on and on about what I was a going through and the more I clarified that I wasn’t looking to change my outward appearance, that I was indeed perfectly content to be in my human skin (even though I’ve always felt like it’s on loan to me), the less interested she became. She told me not once, but on three different occasions that because I wasn’t seeking to do any changes that it really wasn’t that important, that the label was just a label and really didn’t matter in the long run. I sat in stunned silence; how could she, a person that had been crawling out of her skin her entire life, tell me that what I was feeling, the need to identify with who I was as a fleshy person…wasn’t that important? WHAT. I sat back in a bit of a shock, hurt and frustrated with the perspective that she had given me. I slept on it a few days before telling her that I was hurt, that I felt like she was dismissing me. She replied back that she was sorry that she wasn’t being as comforting as I would have liked, but that she really didn’t understand my concept of Duality/Balance or of how to assist in my personal search. I understood, I still do, that it is my path and my journey so outside influences won’t necessarily help, however it does help to shape the sixty million thoughts that I have zooming through my mind. We didn’t see eye to eye and I was continually more and more frustrated with her seemingly lack of care/interest. I tried to remind myself that she was hurting, healing, that she was still going through massive amounts of change herself and that I should do this on my own, not rely on her for any support…and that worked for a few, but the more I thought about that, the more it frazzled me that she was so distant, so nonchalant. I began to think about how she would handle this if I were closer to her, if I were in her inner circle, one of her girls…and I began to feel the resentment rise again about Our (her and mine) situation; her poly wasn’t the same poly as mine.
It isn’t that I think the way she and her girls do things is wrong, it works for them and seemingly makes them happy, it is however, wrong for me. They do not really know their partners “dates”, they know that they do date, (or in the case of one girl, that she is married), however the mates or “dates” of the other girls do not have to be communicated with, acknowledged or even liked by the other’s, just so long as they are known to exist. That’s consensual multi-dating to me and I suppose that is, to a degree, poly, however it is not the Poly that Master and I are. Our Lifestyle views are a bit more like one big happy family. Sure it’s Utopian in concept: people loving, caring, supporting one another, communicating openly with one another and being generally a loving tribe, but it’s not unheard of. Granted, I don’t expect my Master to be best friends with my Lovers, He was not friends on social media with my Beloved First, however He asked about her every day, listened to my concerns, supported me in my search to be with her, to grow with her and when it came time for this, yes, my Master supported my decision to go. We have lived through this sort of thing twice before with other’s in Our lives and it’s always the same for Us; We want loving people to actually have a life with, not just date/fuck and have scenes. Master doesn’t expect me to be in love with His partners, that’s His prerogative, Master does however expect me to have an open mind, to meet new people and see them from the perspective that Our partners make Us happy and Our Happiness is the ultimate goal in Our marriage. We may not be attracted to each other’s mates, that is alright. We may all find each other hot, that would be wicked! The main thing is that We all understand the basic principal of open honesty and constant, meaningful communication. All that being said, the two versions of Poly families didn’t add up and I was not seeing ways that they would. My Beloved First had no interest in getting to know my Master (though she was extremely supportive during His recent medical emergencies) and her girls had no interest in knowing me, despite my near desperate desire to know them.
Aside from that deal breaker, I was and am still very pained by being shut out for the time while she was gone. Yes, my logic completely understands that she was in massive, worlds of pain and would not have wanted me talking to her anyway, and of course there was nothing I could do, be of little use or help. I understand all of this, but that does not quiet the nasty little emotional beastie inside from tearing me apart every time I would see her “online” but not reaching out or talking to me. I kept my distance because I didn’t want to intrude, to pry, however desperately I wanted to be of any support. My Master held me together while I was wracked with worry, watching, waiting for any word on if she was okay, on how she was recovering. I became a troll on her social media page just to see the updates; sob a little if she was struggling, cheer if she was doing well…keeping my distance because frankly, learning these things just as the mass public learned them, while she had claimed over and over again that I was close, her girlfriend, I was dear to her heart and while distant from her adoration of her girls, I was incredibly important to her; watching her girls post updates like all her other social media “friends” was excruciating. She couldn’t understand why I said over and over again that I wouldn’t be on the outside looking in. She flat out told me that she didn’t understand this concept that I was so upset about…I am still racking my fingers through my hair trying to keep myself from screaming, “REALLY?!?!?” I do not understand why she cultivated a deep, emotional reconnection with me right before she was going to drop me back into general population to sit it out and NOT understand my concept of being shut out. It isn’t like she had just met me, that she didn’t know of my abandonment issues (of which we may have discussed, at length before her surgery) of my emotional clinginess…I’m getting worked up over the details but the point is, that we had fundamental issues with what my place in her life was.
In hindsight, this relationship was doomed from the start; a stolen season. How far would we have gone if I hadn’t stepped back? We’d finally meet, face to face after all these years, not just through screens? I’d make a trip to her, be introduced to her girls or just dated in the background? She’d meet my Master or just come down for weekend hotel stays? I’d reintroduce her to my family…the list of disasters goes on in my mind like a winding, vast, crumbling yellow brick road; there is no Emerald City, no ruby slippers, just a cliff into sadness. I couldn’t imagine the pain of all that, of continuing on, of trying my hardest to be in a place I didn’t want to be, to be her hobby (not when I wanted to mean so much more) and then having the devastation that could await. There is always the silver lining that says that maybe things would be different, perhaps things wouldn’t be as traumatic as I’m envisioning however, I’m not the seventeen-year-old girl I one was and I understand that it’s okay that she and I don’t match up, that we tried and that it wasn’t a failure, just a lesson in what we both want and what we both need.
I don’t think I expected myself to be able to follow through with it…leaving my Beloved First after all I wanted when she left me, so long ago, was to be her girlfriend again. I had that, she had given me the title and I wore it so proudly for a few weeks, loved it so much, loved every term of endearment she used for me. I am…proud of myself for understanding that even though she has been so influential in my life, especially now, and even though I am madly in love with her, I have to let her go; We aren’t right for one another. It is because I love her so much that I am saving both of us the pain of what this could be, what this would be. Make no mistake, I have had to stop writing a few times and wipe my eyes, this does indeed hurt like no other pain I have ever experienced and I cherish that pain; I have lived, I have tried, I have fallen and I have learned when to step back from a heart that is not in sync with my own, even her heart.
Master has been extremely comforting. He has listened to my points and why I let her go, His eyes tender with empathetic loss. He held me while I cried, stroking my back. He has supported me in my “labeling” search as well and while I still don’t have a term that feels like it fits who I am, I’m once again becoming alright with that, I know that my place is with Him and that is a safe place for me to be. He’s assured me that this summer has been one of great growth and with that are a lot of growing pains, that We’ll make it through. My Master couldn’t be more right.
I have one more trip to make and it’s a big one, next week. I’m not exactly looking forward to it, however I know that being alone, taking the time and breathing a bit away from all this heaviness will do Master’s spoon a world of good. I’m not sure what to do or what will happen next, but I have confidence that Master and I can handle things, that We’ll sort out the choreography again. As always, though sometimes stumbling, One Step Closer.