New Years Eve, how extremely dull of me to post one of these, “Our Year in Review” posts…it is that time of year to reflect though isn’t it? To ponder the year and what went right, what went wrong, where we grew etc. Well, like so many, this year was particularly difficult for Master and I. Without much ado, on to the inner ponderings and gentle nostalgia.
It is with a heavy heart that I take the time to end a chapter on a player in my little saga. Sadly, my new flame and I were not meant to be. It didn’t end particularly well and while I could dive into all the details, it isn’t worth it. She taught me a lot about myself, about who I am and what I am looking for in partners. It hurts, as break ups always do, however I don’t find myself missing her specifically as much as I miss the person she represented in my life, I miss the idea of her. I enjoyed having a girlfriend, of having a female lover…but we never made it past polite kisses and flirty wit; We were two different realities looking for a similar dream that just didn’t mesh.
I believe that my Beloved First has let me go as well. She and I talked a bit through the summer, but with the onset of the political arena, the holidays and everything that she has had to endure this year, I believe that my connection with her wasn’t strong enough to endure. I will take a lot of the blame for this ending though and am extremely grateful for the lessons that she taught me. She reminded me that I have been on this Path, in BDSM, as a bi/pansexual, poly woman all my Life; I never had the words for it until now, but now…now is the age of being true to whoever we are. I love her, I miss her. She was always one of those people that could coax my thoughts out of me, but I understand. Our realities cross from time to time, but our dreams aren’t the same.
My Dearest Heart and I are still in touch. She lives in the town where I met Master (about eight hours away from Our current home) and while Our relationship is far from ordinary, she has been with me for nearly three years. She’s always there, supporting, listening, understanding and offering safe space. I am truly blessed to have such a loyal companion.
Master and I? Oh, my Beloveds, we couldn’t be closer. We’ve had such a difficult year with so many battles, both personal and professional. We faced some serious drama and controversy, were overwhelmed with family matters and driven past the point of exhaustion in our professional fields. I even had a moment where I wanted to self-release (How INSANE is that?!?) but no… Master and I persevered, We fought through, We won. We have held each other tightly, and braved every storm. We are both deeply committed to Our continued growth, never losing sight of Our Lifestyle, of Our steps.
What does 2017 have in store for Master and I? That’s an excellent question. We will do more. More of what? I’m not sure, but this year has taught me that the only one that is in my way, the only person alive that is holding me back from reaching out and achieving my dreams, is me, myself. Master can support me, love me and cherish my servitude all He wants to, but if I don’t step up and take that initiative, if I don’t believe and change then I never will. I will be more. I will find my Girl; I refuse to stop looking. I am so grateful to know that I am truly attracted to women, that I am really pansexual in the sense that I search for the Soul in everyone; it’s amazingly validating.
I will devote more of myself to my servitude and get off my PHONE! I have taken a lot of strides this year to distance myself from my phone and it has done wonders! I went on dates with a few different girls! I played more board games, engaged in more girl scout meetings and was able to attentive to my Master…I had my moments and slipped, but I am still trying, still working towards less attachment on social media.
I truly hope that Master and I will be able to devote more time to Our Dynamic in this up coming year. I want to get more into ropes, more into shibari. I would love for Master to take more pictures of me, to sketch me, paint me if He so choses. I understand that I need to step up my game, pick up the slack that has developed during this chaotic and turbulent year. I deeply look forward to expanding Our kinks and pushing Our limits.
So…with all that reflection and Hope for the new Year that leaves me with the exit speech, the last words of 2016 for Master and Spoon…my now extinguished flame painted a piece for my birthday, a favorite quote from an ancient television show, “We’re all stories in the end…” nothing is more fitting to me. The full quote is “We’re all stories in the end, just make it a good one, eh?” Those immortal words have become my compass; I am a writer and in the end the only thing I have is a story to tell. It’s up to me to handle the plot as it comes to me, to manage Life and write the best story I can. My darling Tribe, stay safe this year. Stay kind. Be Patient…after all we’re all dancing, One Step Closer.