Silencing Her demons

Oh my god…I can’t even begin to express the bittersweet joy that it is to return to writing. I have been plagued, no, haunted by my mental illness for over two weeks. I have barely been able to summon the energy to get out of bed, let alone handle my usual adult life. My mind has eaten my sanity alive; after nearly a season of this madness, I broke. I was inches away from self-releasing my Darlings. For those that are in the Lifestyle, this is one of the most heady, difficult decisions to ever meet, one of the most devastating challenges that I have ever been faced with. I wrote my Master after about a week of heavy, heavy thought and deep discussion about where we’ve been and where we’re going, wrote but did not send:

“I guess the reason why I’m having such trouble is because I see the end. We haven’t had a scene in months (while granted it’s been an unusually horrid summer), you don’t give me orders and haven’t in quite some time. After the summer died down, I was hopeful, however…I realized very quickly that you were more dedicated about moving forward than I was because all I wanted was my Master back. I don’t think that is going to happen. I believe that the chaos surrounding Us and Our constantly overworked schedule/responsibilities have caused Us to allow Distance/silence and perhaps You don’t want to be my Master. You are seriously overworked and always being asked to come in/ cover for people; You don’t need me to be constantly needy, wanting all of your undivided attention. We’ve explored my kink and you want something less stressful, something calm and quiet; I need to sort myself out while we adjust to all of this normalcy. I do want to continue to be your devoted wife, I will never want to leave you; We’ll sort through it as we always do, and maybe I’m entirely wrong…but these are just things I’m seeing from my perspective.”

 I was terrified when He asked me what was wrong; I had planned on sending him the message after I left for work, but He…knew I was hurting and asked me if I was alright. I can’t lie to my Master, even when my submission is at an all-time low, lying to Him just, isn’t in my genetic make-up…I shook my head that I wasn’t okay, that things were not as they should be. He asked me to elaborate so I sent Him the message that I had written; all that I was feeling, all that I was experiencing in tearful little gasps as He read it all. He was wide eyed, He didn’t know how to respond; He replied, but very briefly, confusing me, so I sent one more written reply while I was sitting in the parking lot before striding into work,

 Spoon, “After all Our years please understand that I communicate in words, written and verbal. PLEASE DON’T TAKE THIS AS A PERSONAL SLAM TO YOU. I’m just having a hard time adjusting and if you still want to be my Master then please understand that I’m just trying to find my balance….and need help.”

 Before I knew it, I had moments to get to work…and I left my car feeling more unsure, more pained than I have ever felt. I went through my usual tasks in a numbed state of being, merely on auto-pilot. I checked my phone…Oh…Master…

 Master: “My wonderful spoon, I did not realize that the lack of this had been tearing you and us apart so much. You said that it had been months since our last scene and that I never give you orders anymore. I can’t deny you are correct, as that I believe there were many contributing factors to this; our personal drama, professional lives, the kids and all the little in between’s; these obviously have contributed towards Our circumstances, but I do understand that I still am your Master and have responsibilities. Not only because I know of your need to serve and want to make you happy, also though because I really do love being your Sir. I really wanted to stoke that flame between Us again. I honestly just did not see how much I had been putting off from your tending as My devoted sub. I wish I had noticed it before We got to this point or that you would have spoken up as well, but that is all in the past now and We can’t go back. All we can do is put our best foot forward and keep trekking. You will be receiving new full orders soon, My sexxxy little spoon. I’ll need a little time to write up a good structure for Our ever changing situation. But it will be much easier now with the knowledge/experience I and We have to draw upon. I will stay an optimist as We continue down Our new path, “One Step Closer”. I love you spoon and I will see you soon. Xoxox”

 I cried, just a little, just a few tears as I covered my mouth, reading in the small work bathroom. My Dominant, my Master understood, He heard the message that I was so desperately trying to express. I wept for a small time at the lack of needing to hold it all in, that I could, in that tiny space, have a moment just to myself to feel all that I was feeling. I hugged my phone, little communication device that it was, allowing Master and I to tell each other all that we couldn’t verbalize. I wept for the words that I didn’t have, for the ones that I did have but couldn’t write, for the ones that I could emote, for my Master, for myself, for Us. I typed quickly a short response, thanking Him for hearing me, for understanding, for reminding His spoon once again of His eternal arms holding  her tightly in His protection. He wrote that He was so sorry, that He truly didn’t understand or see how much this was hurting me, how much it devastated our relationship. I went back to my station with a small smile, a bit more relieved than I had felt in weeks.

In that time frame at work, I had two admiring comments on my Tiffany & Co necklace by two different customers; this isn’t something unusual for me as I do have a public occupation, however…I smiled a bit more, blushed even at the mention of my collar. Sure, about oh…half a million (more?) other women could own the same Tiffany’s necklace, I’ve commented on a number of T & Co pieces that have caught my attention, and I’m sure even more than that own the bracelet’s that He’s collected for me, but mine are Ours and they serve such a higher purpose. Others… most people do understand the symbolism of wearing something so simple but they consider it a ring. It’s a necklace right? No. It isn’t. Not for me. Not for Him. For Us, even if that particular necklace isn’t around my neck; it’s a non-verbal/symbolic representation of who We are, of who We want to be and where We want to go.

It’s more than a bit daunting to be in an environment, to be in a state where I cannot express myself and lately, due to my extreme social anxiety and overwhelmed emotional state, I have not been able to express myself as I should, as I need. My Master has known that this has affected me, but I don’t believe even He understood to what degree. I clung to my silver, my Collar, symbol of my soul, of who I was truly on the deepest level; clung like a drowning fish. A small bit of me died when I expressed the want to self-release, I never thought I would be to a point that I would want to walk away, to leave Our D/s, take off my collar, to let things…settle into a more vanilla relationship for the health of Our Union. I feel a bit guilty for allowing my state to get to this point, however Master has asked that I be patient with myself that I allow myself to feel what I feel and to express it freely to Him, that He will always strive to understand and to come to a peaceable solution, that He understands my very real needs. I need to trust in Him, in His love for me and my upkeep.

I’m in awe of Him, of the level that He has reached to handle me. I never truly thought someone would ever understand all of me, how I work, how I think, emote and express myself; He does. He loves me to such a degree that it makes me weep, He loves me more than I love myself. I would give up, call it quits, throw in the towel and walk away silently…He on the other hand, has more faith in Us, more faith in Our union than I ever thought imaginable and it is that reason that I love Him to the degree that I do, that I continue to strive to be His Spoon.

He created new Affirmations for me, written out beautifully, printed and laying on my pillow when I came home. I’ve had a daily affirmation before, when We first started Our D/s and it was kind, sweet, helpful to know that my Dominant was watching over me every moment of the day. This affirmation, this quiet paragraph to read to myself daily, this one was different in the factor that He did not require me to read it out loud in the mirror every morning, more over that I read over it every day, alone, to give myself a moment just for me; something my Master fully recognized that I needed and deeply encourages for my healing.

I think, honestly what has kept me from going absolutely mad this season is the constant sanity and calm of my Master. Granted, We had our issues, had some rather severe obstacles that were daunting to say the least to overcome, but even when I, in all my infinite desire to run, would laid down my armor, would quit, My Master held true. He reminds me that I am not only worthy of Him, but worthy of even more that He desires to experience with me; that giving up is never, ever an option. Looking back on the months now, I am amazed that He has been so much stronger than I have, has held me back so many times from lashing out irrationally, from ruining those I shouldn’t ever waste my time on, from understanding myself and my expanding sexuality, to embracing all that I am as a beautiful soul stuck in human skin, coping with all that it is to feel too much, too often…my Master has shown me that Earth, that this planet isn’t such a horrid place to be. It’s taken far too many years and attempts to end it all to come to this point, but here I am, with an actual purpose to continue; Him.

I’m not sure how all this will turn out, how Our life will end up, how Our story will wind about, but I can say that there isn’t another soul on this planet that I would ever want to dance this path with. My Master, always I strive to be One Step Closer.

naked

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